Look in the Mirror

I read that line from a friends blog title and froze.

Save for brushing my teeth.. and a quick dab of mascara, I haven't looked in the mirror in ages. Why? I'm afraid of what I am going to see...

Someone once showed my picture to a 3rd party. This person loved my picture and thought I was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen... (alright, I'm exaggerating on that a little bit) When this persons friend saw the picture, he relayed the message to me that I looked "cold." More specifically, my eyes.

And that's what I'm afraid of. I feel hollow. I feel beaten down by what life has brought to me... and most of it is beyond my control because I have to look out for number 1- my child.
I'm not placing blame nor regretting the decisions I've made in life, but accepting that somethings I cannot change or will not change in order to provide a good life for him.

But the corporate world has brought me down. I have to change who I am, er, was, am, was... whatever in order to bring in the almighty dollar. Well, scratch that too, to bring in the weakened dollar. I hate that I have to give up my creatitivty, my clothing style and my hair color just so I can put food on the table.

I'm worn down and with in the process of to find myself... I realized that I accomplished the opposite. Which is odd, I always knew who I was and what I was willing to do and not do. My closet is full of concert tee-shirts that I started collecting in High School to just a few years ago. But does that make me who I am?

What makes me? Is it my job? Is it my car? My music? My family? My beliefs? A combination? At what point did I lose myself? At what point did I become so wrapped up in day to day living that I just gave up and accepted what I have been given? Or am I fighting behind my own back?
I just don't know anymore.

I was recently asked where I see myself in a year and in 5 years... I couldn't even give an reply because in all honesty, I can't even see tomorrow. Or yesterday for that matter.

When I did my year in review, I had to go back and look at some of my old blogs to see where I was last year at this time. My bills are all late because I can't honestly remember when I paid them last. Not because I'm blowing them off, but I get them in the mail, put them on the counter to pay over the "weekend" and before I realize... I'm 2-3 months past due.

Where the hell did those months go?

Since I've been hitting the gym, I feel energized because I can truly be lost when I'm there. I put on my iPod and hit the glider. Yesterday, I ran for an hour and a half. Bear in mind, I've never been a runner. Ever.

When I work out, I tune every thing out. It's almost a trance. I feel like I'm being swallowed by a black hole and no one there gives a rats fuck what I'm doing or where I am. I'm not the fat chick eating who's eating a much needed salad at lunch. I'm not the pissed off driver behind the wheel. I'm not the tech picking up the phone. I'm not the crazy lady at the concert. No one is touching me, no one is purposely leaving me alone...

I just am.

And it's nice to be lost in it... even when I'm so lost outside those walls. I just can't seem to focus or find myself or find any worth while direction. And I'm scared to change it because if I fail, it won't just affect me, it will affect the life whom depends on me... and I can't do that to him. Not again.

I've worked very hard to get what I wanted in life, and now that I have most of it, I realized it's not what I wanted at all. And I feel like a failure and a fool for trying so hard and not having a back up plan.

I also thought it would take me a lot longer to get here. I feel like an idiot for not having any long term goals planned. I don't even know what I don't want...

For the last few months, I feel like I'm going on auto pilot. I feel like life is kicking me in the ass and flying by way too fast.

I'll be 30 this year. I couldn't even imagine hitting 18 and that was 12 years ago. What the fuck have I done with my life and where did I get lost? And how in the hell can I find myself again? Will I like the person that I find? Or will I cry with despair because sometime long ago, I gave up who I really was... and now, where do I go from here?