A heart felt Thank You.

So I have to excuse myself from yesterday's diatribe. I was pissed I was accused of sinister plans when in all reality, I was only doing what I could to honor a friend.

Tonight was the funeral and my mom went in my place which meant the world to me. I talked to her before she left and she assured me she'd talk to Nancy and Aaron and do her best to touch base with a few others.

My mom told me she was pinning my picture on her shirt so that people knew I was there (and that she was representing me.) She called me after she left.

She said that Felicia was the first to find her and came over to her and gave her quite a few hugs and told her she was glad she made it in my place. My mom raved about how wonderful Felicia was.

She said she was also able to find Jendeen and again raved about how wonderful Jendeen was. She said they chatted for a while and Jendeen asked if she could hug my mother, which I found very touching.

My mom also talked with my other favorite people, Rhuby and Hater.

When my mom went to talk to Earl's wife and son, she said that his widow was very gracious and very honored that she went in my place. My mom mentioned that Aaron was so taken that he gave her not one but two massive bear hugs.

She then asked Nancy if she would allow my mom to put our pictures by Earl's Memory display and Nancy said she would be honored.

Not one person was upset that my mom went in my place, in fact, she said that every single person was grateful that she was there for me- many were touched.

There was one person there, that's no secret that we do not like each other at all. My mom ended up sitting in front of him for the service. She said he put her hand on her shoulder and she in turn placed hers on top.

For what ever differences we've had in the past he too understood that *we* were there for Earl, not for each other. The fact is had I been there, I would have done the same thing. Being there was not about he nor *I*, and in times of need such as this, we've always been able to set aside our differences for the time being. It's too bad that others aren't able to do the same.

But I digress, this post isn't about me, it's about the wonderful friends who understood the circumstances and reached out to my mother in my absence. I'm always amazed at my true friends who are beyond anything I could have hoped for... who in a bad situation were still willing to go the extra mile to not only help me, but to help show support for Earl.

And that, my friends is how Earl lived his life... no matter the cirumstances, help another. Not only am I blessed to have such great people in my life, the reason Earl was who he was is because he surrounded himself with people of a true spirit. People like Felicia, Hater, Rhuby, Jendeen and you.

So to all my friends, a sincere thank you.

-MetalRose

Cut the fucking drama already. (Long rant ahead)

It's been a long time since I've been this pissed.

As anyone on my friends list knows, my friend Earl passed away last Friday. Since then I have been trying to find tickets to get out to Minnesota to be at the funeral.

When I found out he passed I called my mom and asked her to keep an eye on the obits for me. We talked a little bit and she told me not to worry about coming home as she'd go to the funeral/wake for me.

I thanked her and told her that IF there was no way for me to get home, I'd take her up on it.. but I was going to look at flights until all my options were exhausted.

I've tried everything from looking at the airline websites to looking at 3rd party websites. I've looked at airports from Boston to NYC and in between, starting on Saturday of last week.

The average price for tickets I've found is about $1447 PER person. Since I'd have to bring Joey Sky with me, I'd be looking at close to $3000 which I cannot afford. The cheapest I found was $978 per person.

Wednesday night I sent a message to a couple of people and told them even though I was still trying it looked like 99% of my options were not do-able. I posted a message on a message board where I know a lot of the people there will be in attendance.

I noted that I wasn't able to make it home and that my mom would be going in my place and if anyone saw her to help direct her to the right people.

Of course I didn't get the "Sure I'll help" I got a piss ant nit-picky reply from someone who I thought was once a friend. This person called me a liar and said I was full of shit. That I was able to find a cheaper rate if I "tried harder" and looked at other options.

Needless to say, that fucking pissed me off. I thought that people were mature enought to put differences aside for a day or two. Regardless if this person wanted to help at all, it doesn't matter to me. By replying the way they did it shows what a total jack ass they are.

I asked a favor and kept it short and sweet as I don't think the world needed to know the reasons I wasn't able to make it out. I felt the more I wrote about why I was unable to make it out, the more they would sound like petty excuses.

I posted a message thanking this person for finding a good rate for me and asked to NOT turn that thread into a pissing match. The next message was from him again stating that it was do-able if I "tried harder".

Really? I'm being called out again? On what fucking account? I sent this person a private message explaining what I'd been doing over the last week and why going to NYC to fly out wasn't an option. Not that I had to do it, but I thought that perhaps he could understand where I was coming from and what I had been doing over the last week.

Then a couple of replies helping to direct me to cheaper rates.

Of course, I got another "call out message". Great. On what account this time? I was asked what my "motivation" for sending my mom out was when I had friends who could pass on the message. Why would I put her in an ackward situation? And why would I post a thread about my mom going instead of me?

Motiviation? Motivation? Moto-fucking-vation? Are you kidding me? There is no motivation behind my mom going to the funeral. Yes it'll be an ackward situation for her, but all fucking funerals are ackward. She offered to go if I couldn't be there. I didn't ask her, and I didn't ask my "peeps" because it's not their job to relay my condolences as an after thought. I can't be there, my mom is the next best thing.

I posted the thread so that my mom can get in contact with the right people- the ones I asked her to see so that they could be sent extra love from me. I have already sent my love in other ways to those people, but if my mom is insisting on going to the funeral in my place, those are the people I would seek out and give an extra hug to.

Is is wrong that my mom offered to go as an "agent'' for me?

My reply back to him was that he was being an ass and calling me out at every chance and that the bottom line was that I wasn't able to make it so my mom was representing me for the night. Plain and simple. Then I said I thought he was mature enough to put or differences aside for one evening to honor Earl.

Of course not, he thought I was full of shit and said it was his duty to call anyone out when he felt like it was necessary, being honest is being true, but to not worry, I "won" because he still didn't know my motive even after cheaper options were proven.

Seriously? THERE IS NO FUCKING MOTIVE.

I cannot make it out, my mom is going in my place. Would he throw this much of a piss fit if I was the one going? Most likely not.

I have literally exhausted all my options. In fact, I called Ryan earlier to see if I was able to get the flight he offered in another blog post. After talking with him for a good 30 minutes, that wasn't going to work either. Yes the price was right (and Tiffany offered to help with the air fare, bless her heart) but flying stand by wasn't an option.

So my message is crystal fucking clear to anyone else who wants to question my "motivation" for my mom going instead of me- here's the breakdown as to why there is no possible way I can make it out for Earl's funeral.

1. Tickets from Hartford, CT to Minneapolis are $1447 per person (x2= $2894 pre-tax & Charges)

2. Tickets from Boston, MA to Minneapolis are $766.50 per person (x2 = $1533 pre-tax & Charges)

3. Tickets from NYC to Minneapolis are $978 per person (x2 =$1956 pre-tax & Charges)

4. Tickets from White Plains, NY to Minneapolis are $268 per person (x2 = $536 pre-tax & Charges)

5. Flying stand by on a friends companion fare = $160 per person (x2 =$320 pre-tax & Charges)

Now the last two options are the best cost wise. HOWEVER they aren't do-able.

Getting to NYC with a child in tow at last minute is beyond stressful. Hell flying out of NYC alone is stress full. I've never flown out of White Plains NOR NYC as a starting point. Having never been to those airports ever, and then trying to either drive to them or use the trains isn't an option with a child.

Add at least 3 hours for travel time (on either end here) and the two hours that you are supposed to get there before the flight departs, and I've got a total of an addtional 8 hours- or 4 round trip flights back to Minnesota.

Getting to the airport is stressful enough, then adding not knowing where they are or how to get there AND having to account for someone else- is it hard to see why those aren't an option?

For the friend fare- I talked to Ryan and it is stand by. Although there are seats left on all the flights, there are 3 that go out. One at 8 am, one at 1pm and another at 6pm- ish.

After some of my co-workers requested the day off, my supervisor asked me if I was still planning on attending the funeral so he could tell them either way. Not knowing about the companion fare, I told him I was not going to make it to Minnesota.

Now I have to work tomorrow. Yes, I could say screw it and not go in, but that would not be a wise idea. Since tomorrow is my offical last day, and I told my super I wasn't going to need it off, we didn't fill out my final paperwork. If I don't go in and fill that out tomorrow, I won't get my last paycheck. I think any fucking person in this world would want their paycheck.

In order to get to the airport for the 1pm flight, I'd have to leave my office by 10 am- which would not give me enough time to fill out the final paper work and close up shop.

The 6pm flight wouldn't work either. The flight runs about 2 hours, Ryan checked the arrival time which was at 7:19. Barring any unforseen delays, by the time we got out of the airport and to the funeral, it would be over. Since that was the only reason I'd be going to Minnesota, that doesn't make a lot of sense now does it?

I really don't know what more this asshole wants from me. I have searched, contemplated, reviewed, analyzed and realistically looked at every possible senario for being able to attend Earl's funeral and I am not able to make any of them work.

Hell if it was slightly uncomfortable or a minor inconvenience, I'd be there in a heart beat. But it's boiled down to money (cost and paycheck) and the saftey/sanity of myself and my child- which I cannot possibly put on the line to please someone who thinks I'm lying.

So the motiviation for my mom going to the funeral? To represent me. Nothing more nothing less.

I'm sorry this person has his head so far up his ass he can't see beyond his own reality to understand that some things aren't cut and dry. And it really pisses me off that he feels he "needs to call out BS" in order to try and make me look small.

What's his motivation for "calling me out" what the fuck is he trying to prove? That I'm some how lying? What kind of pompus asshole decides to berate someone on a public message board AFTER I sent them a private message explaining why I was unable to make it out. Double douche bag points for then declaring it thier natural born right to call me out in front of everyone- when it's been proven he's the one being an ass.

Is there an option that is realistically (not just logically) feasible that I missed?

Why are his panties in such a bunch that my mom is going to the funeral in my place?

At this point, I'm kind of glad I won't be able to go. It makes me sick to my stomach that one person can't smell the shit under his own nose, but instead points to everyone else. It makes me furious to know that if I were there, my last memory of Earl would be tainted with this pompus asshole's self righteous accusations for something that was offered and accepted with only the best intentions.

This self entitled douche waffle better suck it up and deal with it because I'm not backing down for him or anyone else. My mom WILL be at the funeral in my place and she WILL make sure that my spirit is there through her. And if he wants to think that there's some other reason for her being there, well then I'll make sure she brings a tin foil hat just for him.

-MetalRose

My heart still breaks.

After spending so much time reading others thoughts on Earl, I still can't help but feel my heart break.

I'll be the first to admit that there were many others who were closer to him than I was, but when you befriend a legend who doesn't act like one, how do you know how to let it go? How do you let go of not only someone you admired and looked up to, but someone you called a friend?

It's finally hitting me today that he really is gone. I've been looking at getting flights out to Minnesota for the wake/ funeral, but again, my fiances won't allow it and I'm damn near in tears. The one last chance I have to say goodbye and I can't. I know that next time I'm in Minnesota, I'll have to stop by a few of his old haunting grounds to pay my respects to him.

It's amazing that one person touched the lives of so many people. Every single word I read about him has been nothing but positive words, "Legend. Hero, Metal God, Brother, Friend, Inspiration, Mentor" but the one that I've read in almost every single message is "I love you." I tried to keep track, but lost count. He never acted as if he was better than anyone, it was his humility that kept his so human.

Everyone knows Earl's in the after life raising some hell.

It's going to be really hard for me to see anyone associated with Earl and when I go back to Minnesota, the tears will start all over again. I only cry because I miss him, even in his sickness he still stayed in touch with me when he could... and I did my best to send him text messages telling him I loved him and missed him.

It's hard to lose someone who touched every single person he came in contact with. I knew Earl was a great person, but the more I read, the more I realize just how truly amazing he was. Almost every show I went to, he was there with a huge smile and a hug. When ever he was out, he always had a brave front and never showed how much pain he was in.

That's the only solace I have is knowing that he's not in pain anymore, and I cry because I'll miss him I know we all will.

If everyone even tried to be 1/100th the man that Earl was, this life would be so much easier. Even that is large shoes to fill.

Dammit, why did he have to go? The world shouldn't have to suffer the loss of such an incredible person...

We miss you Earl, I miss you. Be safe and rest if you have to. We promise we won't forget you, there's no way anyone could. Ever.

-MetalRose

I love you Earl. (A final goodbye)

Sometimes when your phone rings, you know it's not going to be good news.

Even though I left Minnesota, I still got text messages from friends and kept in contact with them.

I just got a call a few minutes ago, as soon as I saw the name, I knew exactly how the conversation was going to go before I even picked up the phone.

Earl Root (Aesma Daeva, Root of All Evil Radio show, Root Cellar Records) passed away last night. He was my brother and mentor in metal.

Even though he was struggling, he was a fighter and it was hard to hear the news. Even in his final days, I saw pictures of him smiling and laughing and surrounded by friends.

What do you say about a man who's heart is pure gold?

His band played in NYC not too long ago (even though his Dr's told him not to tour.) I didn't have enough gas or cash to make it down to New Haven to take the train... He offered to lend me some money so I could make it down to see him. And it breaks my heart that I literally couldn't afford to say goodbye.

He came to my going away party and said to me, "You'll be missed. You were a huge influence in this scene. I wish you didn't have to go... maybe we should kidnap you." Those words made me cry. I've always looked up to Earl, always admired him. He was strong and determined and truly loved by all.

Earl always had a smile and a hug for everyone. Every time I saw Earl, he was truly happy to see me too. I've never heard a bad word about him from anyone, nor have I ever heard Earl speak badly about any one else. When ever I went out to shows, Earl was always there. He was a true kind spirit.

He passed around 11:30 central time. Oddly enough, last night in my sleep I had a huge coughing fit and when I awoke, my mouth was filled with vomit. I looked at the clock and it read 12:29 (11:29 central time). I have no doubt that others will have similar stories. And no doubt that he'll be back to visit us. He'll be felt at shows and concerts and where ever a large group of his friends are gathered.

From what I was told he was surrounded by friends and family last night and held on until they left to pass. Perhaps it was his final test of strenght.

Earl- I've always loved and admired you. Not just for what you've done musically, but also personally. You were an amazing person and one day I can be lucky enough to follow in your lead to becoming a truly phenomenal person.

I bet a million dollars he's walking around the after life looking for Randy Rhoads, Dimebag and Criss Oliva trying to start a band.

Have a safe journey, visit often, but if you decide to stay and rest a while, watch over us and know that you will never be forgotten. I love you.

I only wish I would have had the chance to say goodbye...

A tribute to Earl.

Finally Legal

Since I've started working, I've never taken more than a day or two off here and there. Never a full week, ever. Since I had a few days left as vacation time, I took yesterday, today and tomorrow off. Which isn't a lot of time, but then there's the weekend and Monday is a paid holiday off. So I don't go back to work until Tuesday. Although I've had a ton of stuff to do.

Yesterday I wasn't feeling well and ended up spending most of the time here making a few phone calls and doing some sewing. (I bought this really kick ass book- 108 things to do with a tee-shirt. So I've been making gauntlets, cuffs and fixing some old shirts I had!) Today, I walked Joey Sky down to the bus stop, then my body told me to go back to sleep. Who am I to argue?

I got up around 11, showered, then went to get my emissions tested on my car. They told me I didn't need an appointment, so I went in and they were booked for about a half hour. So I went to CVS where I witnessed the back end of some scammer *almost* getting away with $40 in merchandise.

Suprisingly, my car passed emissions! So with my title, insurance and the emissions test, I made my way to the DMV. I know that the DMV is a pain and usually has long lines, but dammit. I got there and I got number 115. When I looked at the sign, they were on 74. *sigh*

For some reason 76 took for fucking ever. That number alone was displayed on the screen for a good 30 minutes. By the time 77 rolled around, I had already been there an hour and a half. Luckily, after that, it went much faster. For my 10 minute transaction I was there for 4 hours. The thing that pissed me off to is that nowhere does it say that the DMV only takes cash or check so when I handed the woman my credit card she told me to get cash. Luckily, I was smart enough to grab my check book.

Anyway, it feels good to have CT plates on my car. My registration expired in April 2007 and I've been freaking out every time a police officer is behind me. I knew I was the luckiest person alive (I guess out of state expired registration is about a $600 ticket!), but it was always something holding me back: no insurance, no money, no time, or a combination of all of the above.

Let me just say what a HUGE weight off my shoulders that is. It was great going in there everything they asked for I had.

Title? BAM!

CT drivers license? CHECK

CT Insurance? BINGO

Emissions test? PASS

Atm machine over there... CHECK BOOK ACTIVATE!

Especially now that I have a new job, what a HUGE relief that I don't have to deal with that anymore. Although I think I need a new battery in my car. *Sigh* Oh well.

Tomorrow- have to deal with morning daycare.... but if I don't get it squared away, my awesome 2nd floor neighbors have agreed to help out for a short period of time. I don't want to wait too long, but if I don't have it perfectly in place tomorrow, I won't stress.

With that, goodnight.

-MetalRose

Thoughts and feelings.

The weekend started with a bang. Friday at work there was a fire. Not just a drill an actual fire.
Shortly before, my super sent a message to my department stating that I was leaving the company to become a Roadie for New Kids on the Block. (Who are indeed making a comeback. I saw a part of it on TV when I was getting ready for work. Two words: Tone deaf. Alright two more: Train Wreck)

Then a co-worker had an emergency and since she wasn't able to drive, I took her to where she needed to go. Since I was half way home and traffic was a nightmare, my super told me to just call it a day. Sweet.

Friday night, my mom came into town for my aunt's birthday yesterday. It was nice to have a clean place... but it's back to being a total disaster. I went to the Craft store yesterday to find a project for Joey Sky and I to do. Then I got inspired and spent $150! Ooops. Then of course, I stayed up until about 6 am working on my crafts.

I woke up this morning with Joey Sky cooking cinnamon rolls. Yummy! I had left a note for him to wake me up before he did it... but man let me just say that waking up to that smell was amazing! And he did a great job at it, so he didn't get in trouble.

In other news, next week I have most of the week off so I can get a few things done before I start my new job. I'm really looking forward to this and the HR director sent me a "Welcome Aboard" card with a hand written note inside.

I've got a lot of thoughts swimming in my head right now, and thought about blogging about them today, but I think I'll hold off until a little later this week... when I know that what I'm thinking has a clear path. Or at least one that is coherent when written.

-Metal.

Giving Notice.

Monday at work I turned in my notice. I decided to finish at the end of the month. That way I can get paid for memorial day instead of taking the day off. Besides for as crappy as the company has been to me, my supervisor has been cool as hell... and he'd be down to many people that week. And paywise it just makes sense.

He did seem a little suprised when I handed my notice and I've been slowly telling people at work. It's kind of sad when everyone I've told has said, "You're better off." or something that effect.

Today I had to take the annual survey. The questions in it were as such:

After each question was a section you could check : Strongly Disagree, Disagree, No Opinion, Agree, Strongly agree.

I understand the goals of my department:

The Company is doing enough to keep talented employees:

There is a good work/ home life balance:

Yeah, can you tell what I put for the last ones?

Now I should be careful, as I don't want to bad mouth my (soon to be) former employeer and burn bridges, but right now I'm frustrated. And from the sound of things, everyone that I've told feels the same way.

Regardless, I'm excited. My desk is cleared off and my filing cabinet is bare. The only thing left is my iPod speakers, a pen, a pad of paper and my pictures... just so it doesn't look totally bare.

I'm looking forward to a new chapter in life.

The sad thing is: The guy I was dating over the winter works not too far from where I will be working. I kind of miss his company and talking with him... but not so much that I can't function. I guess what I'm saying is if he happened into my life again, I wouldn't be opposed. But I'm not going to go out seeking him either. A gal friend of mine thinks I should call him and tell him I'll be in the area... And according to him that's the only reason we broke up - because we are so far.

But I don't know if I want to call him. I didn't apply for this job because it was close to him, I applied because it was something I wanted to do. And in all honesty, I never even thought I'd get a call as I don't have much experience working in this new industry. (Yes, I'm leaving insurance!)

It was also made clear that I am not going anywhere with my current employeer- for reasons I'll get into later perhaps.

I figure if it was meant to be, I'll run into him again. And if I don't see him, I won't be devistated.

I guess I'm thinking how ironic life is sometimes.

Thank you, life, I understand you too have a sense of humor.

-MetalRose

'Bout Damn Time!

So there are a few of you who know the whole work shennanigins. Once it kind of settled, basically HR told me I wasn't going anywhere with the company... Even though I'm the front runner for a couple of other postions, they aren't a reality yet and IF they do open, it'll be a 6 months to a year or longer.

I applied at a few other places outside the company. I took a day off work and spent the day intereviewing.

One I had went really really well. They said they'd make a decision with in a week and I never heard back.

Fast foward to a couple of weeks ago. I checked my email and saw a letter from the company asking for a second interview with the SVP. It was a quick 15 minute phone interview. After it was done, I still wasn't sure if I got the job or not. It's hard to tell on the phone sometimes.

Five minutes later, their HR department contacted me and asked for a background check! She said, "It sounds like it went well!" Sweet.

Today, during my break I checked my voicemails and noticed I had one call but two voicemails. So I checked them and one was from the SVP who wanted to talk to me to offer a postion!

YAY ME! After we talked about the details, I accepted the offer. It's about $7,500-$8,000 MORE per year than I currently make (with 6 years in this specific industry too!) SCORE! The position I applied for at work was only about $2,000 or so more!

As far as drive time, theoreticlly (sp?) it's only about 5 more minutes longer to there than it is to my current office... but realisticly, it should be shorter. I left work today at 5pm and got home at 6:20! And the hours I'm working, I'm almost betting I won't hit hardly any traffic at all... and I'm going North into Mass and not South into Hartford! Which will avoid TONS of traffic.

I did ask him about my vacation (to ProgPower) in September. He said "No problem!" I told him I'd only need a day or two off work. He was totally cool with that!

I'm so freaking excited right now! Guess good things really do come to those who wait.

-Metal

It's been a while...

Perhaps it was the weather that was getting me down.

Perhaps it was my job, or the unnecessary drama with the fires, the break in, and my neighbors.

Perhaps is was the end of a great relationship that kept me down.

It could be one, or all or a combination...

Today on the drive home, traffic wasn't bad, but I did take a minute to notice that all the leaves are now on the trees and the weather is warmer. I'm starting to feel more like myself.

Although things are still tight financially, professionally and socially things are starting to look up again and I feel like I'm able to breathe.

I guess sometimes I don't realize that I'm "down" until I start getting back up again.

With that, I'm off to the gym to get some cardio in.

-Metal

Round 2?

I slept all day yesterday. Literally. I was only up for a while to get Joey Sky, but after that I was back in bed. I think my body finally quit on me, at least for a while.

I tried going into work this morning, and made it, but was still shaky. I ended up only working half a day. I couldn't focus and wasn't good to anyone with my short fuse.

When I got home, I decided to clean the outside of my windows. Since the officer refused to take prints because he said they weren't good enough, I wanted to have a chance to grab fresh prints if the chance came up.

While walking around my house, I noticed the cellar doors were moved. The entire frame was away from the stairs into the walk way. Then I noticed some of the screws on my porch door screen were loose.

I didn't notice those the first time I was around my house, but then again I didn't really look. Could whom ever tried to get in be back? Not sure.

I hemmed and hawed about going to the gym tonight. I don't want to start missing days, but then again, I didn't really have the energy. I talked with the 2nd floor neighbor and she talked me into going. And I kind of wanted to get back to normalicy.

And it felt great. I told myself I wasn't going to worry about killing myself doing it, but at least to go. Tonight, I worked myself the hardest I ever have. I guess I had to get rid of the rest of that adrenaline and perhaps tomorrow I'll feel better and not as shaky.

With that, I'm off for the night. I'm still tired and just need sleep.

And thank you to everyone who's called, texted, emailed, messaged me or some how reached out to send warm thoughts. It's helping and I love you all for it.

-MetalRose