I will not let you take my piece of mind.

I called out of work today. My nerves are completely and totally shot.

I brought the screen into my house. I didn't want to leave it lying there as a sign of how easily someone had once been able to get into my place. After taking inventory of my house and moving anything I thought could be used as a weapon against me, I went to bed... around 4.

I had an appointment with the repair man at about 8:30 this morning. He was going to help me install the police pins (bar locks) on the doors as well as install more locks on the windows.

Ten minutes after 8, I woke up and woke Joey Sky up. My alarms had gone off, but I kept hitting snooze.

With the lack of sleep I've gotten and the emotional turmoil over the last week it was hard to get out of bed. And I was pissed because now I had to get in my car and drive my son to school. Which isn't a big deal really... but when you've got nothing left in you even the small act is hard.

After I got back, the repair man stopped by and we went over what I needed to secure my apartment. He had some things to do, so he said he'd be back in a few hours and we'd install the locks.

He dropped by the land lord's cell phone number as well. When I called the landlord he happened to be in the area and said he may stop in. While I waited I decided to install the fire extinguishers in the hallways. During my time at the top of my stairs I heard a car door slam and someone walk into the house. Usually it takes a lot to scare me, but not this week. I jumped and saw the land lord. We talked about a few things around the house, and he wants to fit it up and make it look nice. I talked about painting the walls and retiling the floor minor things that make a big difference. I gave him the receipt for the extinguishers and he told me he'd either mail me a check or to knock it off the following months rent. I chose the latter.

When he left I sat on my couch for a minute and looked at the screen I brought in. I noticed a set of finger prints on them. It looked like they had been pushed in with knuckles! I was happy that I found evidence and made a note to call the police later or drop it by so they could see it.

As promised, the repair man showed up and helped me install the locks. He's an older gentleman, bit of a kidder, but has always been very nice to me. After getting the doors prepped, I found out I bought the wrong size locks, so I'd have to return them and get bigger locks.

He thought my little power drill was funny and was laughing as I used it. I told him that I don't need a big drill to prove I've got a little penis. Thankfully he laughed right along.

After installing the locks I decided to take a walk around my place again. I was pissed the officer didn't think I was broken into. And I felt like we missed something. It is almost like being raped and then being told, "You asked for it!" The repair man agreed that I always keep my doors locked. Hell when he comes over, he always hears me click the locks. It's a force of habit.

While walking around the front entry way, I saw a few finger prints in the window! YES! Proof that someone had been there! The night I called it was dark and I didn't get a chance to look around as much. Plus my frame of mind was shattered. I went and looked at the window where they had broken in and there were more finger prints! I went inside and called the police again and asked to have the officer come out. Dispatch told me he was on another call and would be over when he could.

An hour later, I got a knock at my door. I showed the officer the steps I had taken to protect my house better and then showed him the finger prints on the windows. I also showed him where they tried to get in as he didn't want to see before. I then showed him the first set of prints, which were too smeared to lift. Then the second set of prints. He could see that the person had opened the window by sliding it and it was on the inner storm window.

He asked if I had touched it since he left and I told him I had not. He then looked and saw the hand prints were smaller than his or mine. BINGO! Now he cannot tell me I accidently left the house unlocked and unsecured. He said it looked like a juvenile's prints. That was all I needed was some validation that I wasn't crazy and I told him that he made me feel like that yesterday.

I suppose the kids didn't take my jewerly because the pieces I have aren't very common in this area or at all actually.

But I still find it odd that they rummaged through my drawers and boxes and only took a few dollars.... but left all the other money out in plain sight.

Which brings me to my next rant. My son lost another tooth again today and I'm beyond pissed that I don't have a single penny to give to him. I looked in my car, in my purse, in my room and I have NOTHING. Some asshat thought it would be funny to come in and take the few dollars I have and left me with not a penny to give to my child as a long standing multi-cultural tradtion.

I feel like a horrible mother now and feel like a douche bag because I had to get online and find a "tooth fairy check" as an IOU. If I had know he lost a tooth, I would have gone to the store and something... but it was too late.

I also feel bad for skipping the gym tonight. But my body just won't let me. Sure I know it'd be good for me and I could use it... but I've got so much else on my mind tonight that I wouldn't be able to put in a good work out.

I'll have to hit it tomorrow night and then study for a while.

I talked to my friend Colleen last night. She's been through both a fire and a robbery. She gave a lot of great advise and I thank the lords every day she's in my life. I just adore her. I talked to her again tonight too, she said, "Metal, you sound exhausted." Which I am. My whole body aches, my eyes are heavy, my brain is gone, I'm on a hair trigger for my nerves. But I wanted to let her know that I'm going to be OK.

I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, shitty things happen to good people and good things happen to shitty people. With this it's almost a personal attack I don't work 8 hours a day so I can buy stuff for a complete and total stranger who's been dealt a shit hand and feels entitled to it.

With that, I'm going to try and get some sleep. It's almost 12:30 am here and I'm going to try and go to work tomorrow. I've talked to the neighbors and they all know I was broken into and the police are involved. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but if anyone of them in the area had anything to do with it... well they are fucking with the wrong person.

The neighbors on the second floor told me they are going to pay a little more attention, which I appreciate and hope it does good. I've got a few other security measures that I'm going to try as well and hope it helps but I'm not going to disclose them here.

I will just say, the last person that walked up and scared me got a nice hard right hook to the jaw. This time, my nerves are totally shot and I've got a nice heavy metal bat. When it comes to the fight or flight reaction, I fight.

Try it again, fucker, I promise the only brain you'll have left will be what's dripping off my baseball bat.

-MetalRose

As if the fire wasn't enough drama

This morning, I dreaded going to work. I just had that sinking feeling all day long and an urge to be at home. I couldn't concentrate and I was jumpy all day long.

Quitting time couldn't come soon enough. When I got home, I noticed something very odd.
The outside door was wide open. Now I NEVER use that door, EVER. I thought perhaps the kids on the 3rd floor were running around and had used it. I never use that door because it goes under the porch and is kind of hidden.

I put my key in the lock and it turns right away. Again I thought that was odd because I usually turn the lock the wrong way. So I walk in the house and put my purse on the kitchen table, which is right next to the back door.

I then notice that door is locked but open. Like someone had walked out and closed the door behind them, but didn't pull enough to actually close it.

I am almost OCD about checking my house doors before I leave. Joey Sky uses the porch door to go to the bus stop in the morning, but I am the last one in and I always close and lock it. I actually check 4 times before I leave.

My morning routine before I leave is: Brush teeth, check back door. Comb hair, check back door, Grab lunch, check kitchen door, check back door, leave out the living room door. Check living room door, check bedroom door then up the stairs. I don't just jiggle the handles to make sure they are ok, I pull/push to make sure the door is shut. I know for a fact I checked it this morning.

So I'm un nerved... I decide to have a smoke and I walk around the house to see if I can see foot prints by the outside door. As I walk closer I see that the screen from the window is out. And then I notice the window is wide open.

Fuck. Someone has broken into my apartment. And with where that window sits, NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON would EVER see them. But wouldn't someone notice them coming from my back door? Or even walking around the house?

I tell Joey Sky to not touch anything and I call the police. I take note of the house and notice my closet light is on. I look in and they had slashed through a plastic bag with clothes and opened up a box with some Halloween stuff in it.

Then I go in my room and notice that all the drawers in my room had been gone through.
The thing that perplexes me is that the ONLY thing taken was a jar with about $5 in bills and coins. Even though they saw the jewerly, they didn't take it. I even opened the boxes and looked.
My iPods, my digital camera, my guitar and amp, my computer, my CD's and DVD's were all sitting there. The game systems weren't touched. The bills on Joey Sky's dresser were still sitting there.

When the police officer came, he acted like he didn't believe me since no one saw anything. I tried to explain to him that I always leave everything locked. Hell I don't even keep my windows open at night.

He said there were no forced signs of entry and he was confused that even if someone did break in, why didn't they take anything?

I told him I thought someone was casing the place. He said that could be but even if they were, they would have taken the things easy to pocket... Like the iPod and camera. It pissed me off that he thought I was lying. I even showed him the 3 other places where they tried to break in.
I'm scared shitless. I called my super and told him I wasn't coming in tomorrow. The repair man called and said he was going to be in the area tomorrow and would stop by and help me with installing new dead bolts and some other things.

My nerves are shot. Beyond shot. I moved my knife block into my bedroom and if something happens we've got plenty of escape routes.

As if my nerves weren't fucked up enough, I come home to feeling like I've been violated.
I've got to find a better job and get the fuck out of this place, like, yesterday.

-Metal

Eerie night

Last night was very eerie.

After all the smoke had settled, and the fire trucks gone, people were driving by all night long.

I live in a bit of a "rough" neighborhood and there are always voices and people out during the night. Normally it doesn't bother me and actually find it some what comforting because I'm so far away from any notiable city. (Sure I'm only 15 minutes from Hartford, but it's a ghost town after 5-6pm)

Last night, just after dark, I went to my back porch and sat. It was odd to not hear ANYTHING. No voices of people walking around, nothing.

It also seemed really really odd to not see the fire fighters out there battling. Even though the whole thing was surreal, it almost seemed normal. The other thing I found odd, while watching my videos, not one single person was crying, screaming or panicing. I wonder if it was because we all knew the houses were empty. Or we all kind of expected those houses to go up? But not one person yelling.

I finally went to bed at 10 ish. Before I fell asleep, I made sure to tell Joey Sky how proud of him I was that he didn't panic or anything. He did an amazing job getting out and leaving.

I woke up at 3 this afternoon. To be honest, I could have slept the whole night.

When I got up, I told Joey Sky we were heading to the store to get fire extinguishers. They were always on my list to go and get, but I just kept putting it off.

I bought 6 of them. Three medium ones and 3 large ones. I bought one for each apartment, one for each hall and one for the basement. I also noticed refective tape there and bought some for the stairs. It's not only for us to get out, but in case of a fire, for the fire department to use as well. I had a firefighter come and ask to use my bathroom and she made a comment that my stairwell was dark.

We're still getting cars up and down the street and I can still smell the smoke when I'm outside.

Normally I'm not a cuddler, but last night I really wished I had a person to hold me for the night and tell me it was going to be ok. Today, I keep going through the escape route in my mind and wonder if there was anything I could have done better.

It never dawned on me to grab anything other than my keys and the children in my house. I grabbed my keys because I locked my doors. I don't know why. While thinking about it today, just because we were out and safe doesn't mean that no one would break in. Some people prey on others misfortune. I think I grabbed my keys because that way I could have used my car to get out.

I left my wallet and everything else behind. I didn't even grab a jacket. The only reason I had my camera was because it was right next to my keys. I know, being in insurance, having pictures of a loss is helpful in investigations. I also thought it would make some really cool pictures.

I had a few people look at the images and tell me I should have gone into journalism/ photo journalism. I would love to, if I only knew how.

Anyway, just an update to let you know we are still ok. Still a bit shaken, but nothing major.

Thanks for the calls and texts. I'm still unwinding so not taking many calls today.

-Metal

This is your 2 am wake up call

Yesterday at work my coworker asked if I had any plans for the weekend. I told him, not really. He then made the comment, "Yeah, but you always come back on Monday with a new story." My son had a friend spend the night and I went to bed and studied for about an hour before I decided to sleep. That was the extent of my plans.

I was exhausted. I haven't slept much the last week due to well just various reasons. I was really really really looking forward to a nice nights sleep.

Right around 2 am I heard a pounding upstairs. Then I heard my 2nd floor neighbor call my name. I KNEW something was wrong. At first I thought perhaps her husband had a heart attack and they needed me, or that there was a fight because of the 3rd floor people. Then I heard my name again followed by, "FIRE GET OUT!" (Have I mentioned how much my second floor neighbors rule?)

Normally, I sleep in the nude, but not last night. I grabbed my shoes and started yelling at the boys to get up. I got both of them up told them to grab their shoes and we were going outside as there was a fire.

Thankfully my camera was right next to my purse so I grabbed both. I opened the back door and immediately smelled the smoke and saw some embers flying. I closed the door and decided that we would use the front upstairs door. I told the boys to let me go first so I could see where the fire was.

We made it outside and I could smell the smoke and hear the fire roaring. The fire was one house over from me, across the street.

(The first sight outside my house taken from my parking spot at 2 am)

There was at least one fire engine on the street at that time. But before I knew it, our entire street was closed off with in a 3-5 block area. They had fire hoses connected to the hospital a mile away in order to supply enough water!

Before I knew it, we had 5 towns covering our fire. Er, fires.

From what I gathered from the officals, there was a fire in the first building on the corner. It was an abandoned building. The embers jumped to the building behind/next to it and started that one on fire.

The firefighters had evacuated the surrounding houses for saftey. The yards were filled with people.... I'd say my best guess was about 50. They didn't want the embers to ignite our places and put our lives at risk either. The land behind and next to my house is all wooded, because 40 years ago, a house burned down there too.

Usually my back yard is filled with dry leaves and brush, but I cleared that last week.

Just before 4 am, I ran into the house to use the bathroom, while inside I grabbed some marshmellows and asked if anyone wanted any. I don't think the fire fighters thought it was funny. Then, we were allowed back into our houses, but I wasn't able to sleep and stayed outside with my camera to take pictures and video.

Just before sun up, the police chief, fire marshall et all were asking question to see if they could find what happened. I gave them my information and told them who I thought the one house belonged to and gave them the contact information for them as well as my contact information. I also mentioned that I had video and pictures from the night.

After the fire was contained I watched the fire trucks pack up. It's amazing how something like that seems like it takes forever and yet it all happens so fast. I know things happened in a certian order, but I couldn't recall them in exact order if I tried.

But after all the smoke was gone and the dust was settled, I went back to the houses to see what else I could see. I was able to get behind the houses and see the true devistation there was. The houses are destroyed. Beyond repair.

Even though there was such a horrible fire, there were no fatal injuries. One firefighter did have to be admitted to the hospital for an injury to her arm. But from what the fire marshall said, she's ok.

Someone working with the State Fire chief noticed I was taking pictures. As he approached me I thought I was going to get in trouble. But he asked if I was the one that had taken video. I said that I did, and he handed me 2 disks and asked if I could burn them onto there for him so they could see if they could find the flash point.

I asked how long he was going to be there and then came back here and burned the images and video onto disk for him.

It's now 5:15pm and I'm still awake. My adrenaline is up and down. I know I should lie down, but each time I do, Joey Sky needs something. Just got back from a friends house... I've got my windows open to help with some of the smoke smell in here (which isn't bad thankfully.)

As I said, although there was lost sleep... no one was critically injured. And my son's friend has a great story to tell at home and I've got a great one for work.

When I watched the news this morning, there was a 6 alarm fire in Norwich, 5 alarm fire almost next door to me, and from what another fire marshall said, at least 4 others in the state.

Which leads me to believe that 1. Either the weather is so hot and dry it's causing all kinds of fires.

2. Some thinks Devil's night is in April.

Standing on my driveway. You can see the smoke coming from the house on the corner and the fire from the second house behind it:

I know the picture is dark, but I thought it looked cool. This is the reflective tape from all the fire fighters standing in the road.

Another image of the fire fighters

As a side bar, it was incredibly scary to watch the fire fighters on the second floor of the house using their lights and then a few seconds later see the floor above them erupt into massive flames.

View from ajcent corner:

Packing up in the morning- thank God for the hydrant RIGHT outside my driveway:

The aftermath:

The house where it supposedly started:

Direct view from my backyard, notice the door that was literally ripped off by the bottom of the telephone poll. This fire is responsible for the embers that I saw out my back door.

The side of the house: Note the siding melting off.

The worst, the backs:

A quirky side note: As I'm standing in my back yard early this morning taking pictures of the aftermath, I see a gentlman standing outside.

I'm in my PJ bottoms, my hoodie with saftey pins on it and scarf around my head. The gentleman notices I'm taking pictures and asks, "Are you with an insurance company?" I tell him, "I do work for an insurance company, but I live here." So then he asks, "Well what do you do?" I then tell him, "Actually I'm in claims..."

For the rest of my images and video click this sentence.

On the way back from his friends house, the windows on the ground level are now boarded up and there is an orange construction fence around the perimeter of both. All but one emergency vehicle is gone, 15 hours after we were evacuated from our houses.

Although the fire never got to my apartment, I am so thankful for the fire departments that came and woke us up. Even though I'm beyond exhausted, coughing like a 10 pack a day smoker and am crabby, I'd much rather be awake and tired than anything else that could have traspired.

With that... I'm off for the day. My adrenaline is gone and I've got the WORST headache ever.

Thank God everyone in this fire is safe and sound and my thoughts and prayers go out to the families of those in the 6 alarm Norwhich fire which may have fatalities.

-MetalRose

If having to listen to you isn't bad enough.

For those of you who don't know, I work in an office building. Luckily, it's all for my company- which is also a curse.

Since I've been hitting the gym, I've also been trying to increase my water intake. So at work I'm drinking between 1 and 2 liters of water a day. Which of course means I have to pee even more than what I used to.

In the ladies bathroom we have these:

Notice how the toilet paper is a good few inches inside the holder.

The last 3 times I have made a bathroom break the woman in the stall next to me is sounding like a firing brigade who's dropping hand grenades at the same time. Normally, I laugh my ass off because it's funny.

But recently, I swear to god I don't know what these ladies are eating, but it's taken everything in my power to hold my breath so I can get the hell out of there before I need to call someone with an industrial biohazard suit!

Of course, with my luck, that's not what happens. It's not a quick in and out for me.... and I found the reason that ladies are in the bathrooms so long.

THE FUCKING TOILET PAPER IS STUCK! Yes. Now I understand that there needs to be that heat seal so the toilet paper while laying in stock isn't floating about... but seriously, Mrs Cleaning Woman, could you please at least START the rolls? I would really appreciate it so I don't spend 15 minutes trying to open it while trying to avoid severing my arm on the plastic razor sharp cutting ridges? (On a side note, why in the hell do you make those things so sharp? I think any given adult, hell any child, could rip toilet paper without needing assistance! They don't need to be so pointed I could cut a 2x4 with them.)

It's even more so important when I'm trying to beat the ass beast out of the restroom so I don't have to see who made those noises. For the love of god lady, I don't know who played a trick on you and switched your sphincter with a dead skunks but I don't find it funny to have to wallow in that scent.

I'd really like to be able to finish my buisness and then not have to face you. I would never be able to look at you the same. Ever. Please cleaning lady, for the love of all unholy scents, please start the toilet paper so I can get out fast.

And Ms. Shitter. Yes, your shit DOES stink. So bad I'm damn near gagging and if I could get the damn toilet paper off the roll, I'd turn around and gag... but I can't so I'm stuck here with your god awful smell... Hell I may even have a little of your back splash on me. After you're done washing your hands, you see that Air Scents spray? It's not there for show. USE THE DAMN THING!

PLEASE before someone finds my corpse. I would hate for my family to get the phone call that I died at work in the bathroom, pants around my ankles, toothpick sized shards of paper around my feet, tp lint under my finger nails and a dispenser full of stuck ripped rolls, only to assume I'd used the TP dispenser as a method to cut my wrists.

Then again, death might be better than having to fight to get the TP out and to have to spend another second wallowing in a smell that even Satan's Asshole couldn't produce.

-MetalRose

Keep your fingers crossed.

I applied for my DREAM position earlier last week. A music related job at ESPN!:

Thank you for your interest in our Company and for taking the time to apply for Audio/Music Positions.

We are reviewing the background and experience of those who have applied for this position and may contact those individuals whose experience aligns with the qualifications of this position.

Again, we thank you for your time and interest in our Company!
The Walt Disney Company and affiliated companies

Position Applied For: Audio/Music Positions
ESPN CREATIVE SERVICESAudio/Music positions at ESPN -- there are three different jobs described below (Music Assistant, Audio Design Editor, and Music Director/Administration). Please indicate in your resume or cover letter what job title you're applying for at ESPN. Thank you.

Title: Music AssistantScope of ResponsibilityMaintains, records, and supplies the flow of music from the in–house music archive to the producers for on-air usage, is involved in the input of music cue reporting and coordination of cue sheet tracking, and helps coordinate music shipments in and out of the Bristol Campus.

I've already submitted a resume, but it was focused more on insurance. In my cover letter I stated something along the lines of letting them know that I have a decent amount of experience in the music industry and planned ..ting a different resume with those qualifications, but wanted to make sure they knew that I was interested in the position.

So I'm working on a music related resume currently and will hopefully resubmit to the job this week!

Wish me luck all!

-Metal

Unclear on the concept...

Friday night Joey Sky and I went bowling. When I came home, there was a couple of people on our driveway drinking. Great. I had no idea who either of them were, but let it go for a little while.

Then about 11:30, they were loud enough so I could hear them in my place. So I went upstairs and there was about 10 people standing around drinking. I walked right up to them and said, "There are people that live in this apartment on all floors. You are loud enough I can hear you on the bottom floor. You need to move."

One guy cops an attitude with me and says, "Well I live on the 3rd floor, so we can be here." Nice try. He probabally does live on the 3rd floor with all the other white trash, but I looked at him and said, "Interesting, I'm the building manager and I know everyone who's on the lease in that building and I've never met you before." The guy looks at me and says, "We'll move." Yeah I thought so.

Saturday morning I woke up and went outside for my morning smoke before I had to take Joey Sky to the dentists. When I got outside, it was HOT. Not warm, but down right humid. I loved it!
After the dentists, I went to KMart* to get a trash bin since the people on the 3rd floor have no concept of what trash bin is theirs and which one isn't. So I got a new one that looks NOTHING like the other ones and decided to keep it on my private porch.

I also stopped at Sears and picked up a leaf rake to clean the yard. On the way home, I saw a sign stating that it was 77 degress out. (Minnesota just had a blizzard, man I am so glad I moved!) When we got home, I changed into a tank top and started cleaning the yard.

I raked and cleaned for a good 3-4 hours. Of course there was about 6 beer cans on the lawn and 3 empty packs of smokes from the douche bags on Friday night. I only did the part of the yard closest to the house and didn't get behind the retaining wall... but I don't know if that's techincally our yard or not.

Anyway, my neighbor had a friend over and he decided he'd hang out with me while I cleaned. Fine. It was nice to have company. But no sooner had I finished cleaning than I see a girl about 8-10 bring over an armload of rotten wood, and old bike tires and drop it at the edge of the yard. *Blink blink*

The father comes over and says, "Lets go." I look at him and state, "Hey, I just cleaned the yard!" He says, "I know I watched you, but I told her to put that there..." Uh, no. He then says, "Well, where should she put it?" *Blink blink* How about in YOUR yard? He said no he just cleaned his. Wait. So you think it's fine for your daughter to come over and dump her shit in my lawn because you just cleaned yours? No.

So I tell him that she can take and move it over and dump it over the lawn on THEIR side. So she does.

Seriously... What kind of bullshit is that? I didn't just spend literally HOURS cleaning the yard so have permission to tell your daughter to white trash the place up. I deal with enough of that shit from the 3rd floor. I don't need anymore.

-Metal

*Alright I know that KMart is the Mother Ship of White trash, and I'll admit going into it to buy a cheap garbage bin. But just because I kissed another woman, that doesn't make me a lesbian... Just as going into KMart to get a trash bin doesn't make me white trash... does it?

Driving another maybe-not-so-quick reference guide by MetalRose

Drivers were really getting on my nerves this morning. Here's a rundown as to why.

BLINKERS/ TURN SIGNALS

Let me start out by saying, I am NOT a psychic. Sure I might have some special 6th sense abilities, however I cannot read minds. Just because you know where you are going does not mean that I do. Blinkers signal where you INTEND to go, not where you have already been. This is especially important in the following scenarios:

• When you are parallel parked on the side of the road and intend on merging into traffic, it's a good idea to use your blinker. I'm nice and would have stopped to let you in, but pulling out while my front bumper is at your drivers door and then honking isn't going to do any good. I had no idea you wanted to get into traffic because I didn't see your BLINKER.
  
• When turning onto a side street, it's best to use your blinker BEFORE you intend on turning. NOT half way through the turn. At that point, I don't need to be psychic to see that you are turning. Blinkers are there to signal INTENT not, "Oh I'm already turning." Yeah. Got that signal loud and clear.
  
• In a parking lot, blinkers can also be used. Yes, I see you sitting there, but I had no idea you were waiting for that spot. I assumed you were waiting for someone because you had no signal. And no I will not move my car because you didn't follow the rules. Entitlement denied!
• Another use for turn signals/ blinkers is when you intend to parallel park. All I know is you're a dumb ass and stopped right in the middle of the road, and now your reverse lights are on... Did you miss your turn? See a hot person? Oh, wait, you wanted that spot that I just pulled into.
  
• On the freeway, blinkers can be used to signal lane changes. This is especially helpful when you are in gridlocked traffic and want to move into an open and moving lane. Don't honk your horn at me when I'm driving and you decide, with no warning, to put 3/4 of your car in front of me with about .02257 inches to spare and I barely miss you.
  
• Also on the freeway, just because you have your blinker on, doesn't mean you didn't JUST CUT ME OFF. You're supposed to WAIT until you have a clear space, which interestingly enough is not 1/8 of a car length in front of me when I'm doing 65mph.
• Lastly, if you happen to be smart enough to turn your blinker on- turn the damn thing OFF! I can't count how many cars I've seen driving in the center lane with their left turn signal on... for miles. Well douche, are you coming over or not?
  

TRAFFIC LIGHTS/ STOP LIGHTS/ STOP AND GO LIGHTS

Look do we need to go back to elementary school on this one? Let me break this down for you.

• GREEN= Go. This concept is pretty clear for most people. However, if I'm first in line, don't expect me to go from 0 to bat-out-of-hell the EXACT instant the light changes. It does take me .0025 seconds to move my foot from the brake to the gas, during that time, a horn isn't necessary. Green light has right of way over Red lights legally. Confusing I know.
  
• YELLOW= Slow down, be prepared to stop. This color, contrary to popular belief doesn't mean "OMG-I-Have-to-speed-up-to-make-this-light-or-I-will-die."
  
• Red= Alright, this concept seems to be lost on a lot of people. It means STOP. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Stay Put, don't move. Arrêt! Parada! Anschlag! The following rules apply:

• If you're 4 cars back and the light has turned, or is, RED that means your car WILL NOT make it. Hell if you're the first in line and the light is red, just wait. Don't be an asshat and go anyway. And don't be surprised when you get dirty looks, fingers and/or a few horns. The light is RED, which is NOT a shade of green in any way.
• Just because you don't see any cars as that moment, does not mean that going through a red light is any less illegal. Double asshat points if you just cut me off.
• If you are in a straight away/turn lane and the person in front of you has NO signal it should mean they are NOT turning (although see above). Don't honk your horn like a douche bag because you want to go. I'm sure the person in front of you isn't willing to break the law for you because your a self entitled driver.
• Side note to this. TURN ONLY means just that. If you want to go straight, then get in the STRAIGHT only lane. I will not move over because you are too cool to wait in line and get in the wrong lane. If you're in the turn lane, blinker or not, I'm assuming your are turning.
  
• If you have a RED light and cross traffic has a green light, then FUCKING wait before you make your turn. You'll get a green light too, I promise. Just because the car in front of you had a chance to turn doesn't mean you do. Actually both you idiots just cut me off. And don't flash me a dirty look because I flicked you off and let you hear how pretty my horn sounds. Look my car is a piece of shit rust bucket, explain to me why I would mind another dent on my car and why I would have any problem hitting you next time?

RUBBERNECKING/ACCIDENTS/EMERGENCY VEHICLES

• It drives me NUTS when I am driving home and traffic is backed up for, oh, ten miles because there is a flat tire on shoulder of a 3-5 lane highway. I can understand the lane closest to that one backing up for safety... but 3-5 lanes for 10 miles? MOVE!
• Can someone clue me in on what's so interesting about seeing a police car behind a vehicle? Perhaps you did too many drugs before you got in the car and the flashing lights are "totally freaking you out man!"
  
• When you hear an emergency vehicle behind you, you need to MOVE the FUCK OUT OF IT'S WAY. You're a total asstard if you, not only, don't move, but take advantage of the gridlocked traffic moving to let the emergency vehicle through, and cutting the emergency vehicle off.
  

SPEED/MERGING

I was taught that merging you speed up to how fast the traffic is going. Generally, if I have time, I get to right at what the speed limit is.

• The posted speed limit is 65. I'll be nice and go 5mph either way, but driving 45 in the exit/enter lane is sheer stupidity. Especially when you've got people doing, oh, 20mph faster than that that would like to say, get on the fucking highway.
  
• When you merge, you are supposed to merge behind the next car. Not in front. Look asshole, there isn't a damn person behind me for a good mile, and you decide you have to get in front of me. So you speed up, then do 20 under the limit AND cut me off. Thanks.
  
• I understand that some people aren't comfortable with the posted limits. HOWEVER:
  
• If I am doing 75-80 in a 65 in the fast lane, don't get behind me, ride my ass and then flash your lights. Either go around me, or leave me the hell alone. If you want to do 110, great, but it's not safe to merge right now. Back the fuck off.
  
• If you're going to do 45 in a 65mph zone, fine, but don't decide to do it:
• in the fast lane
• side by side blocking all lanes of traffic.
• Some people would actually LIKE to go at least the speed limit and would like to get around you and can't if you're being a douche bag.

WEATHER

• Because it is raining, it does not mean you have to slow down to a crawl. I understand that here in CT the roads retain a lot of water. In fact the back slash from cars is worse than the rain itself, but come on. It's only a sprinkle, you don't need to drop down to 15mph. Listen you asshat, do you freak out when you shower too? It's the SAME THING!
  

PARKING

Alright, this is the last topic. I think we need to go back to kindergarten on this one too. Folks, one car = one space. I don't know where in your entitled brains one car = 2 or even 3 spaces...

• If you drive any of the following cars, they are NOT compact and should NOT be parked in COMPACT ONLY spaces: Any Trucks, SUV, Hummer, Vans, even MiniVans.
  
• If you take up two spaces because you can't be assed enough to move your car.
  
• If you park "just over the line", expect to get "just a little" scratch on your car.
  
• If you back in and use two spaces, FAIL. Return to driving school.
  
• If there is a bright yellow cone in that spot, you are NOT allowed to move it and park there. Bonus douche baggery points if you complain to security that you received a YOU PARK LIKE AN ASSHOLE note. DUH!
  

Look, I know I'm not the worlds best driver, but my GOD! I'd like to have a special chip in the cars asking, "What are you intentions with me today?" If you get any of the questions wrong, your car won't work. "Do you plan on using your blinkers?" Yes? Sorry, we're staying here. "Would you like to use two spaces to park today?" Yes? Sorry, EPIC FAIL, please retry request tomorrow.

I swear, I'm so happy brake and reverse lights are automatic on cars or else all these asshat douche bags would forget to implement those too. That is when they are actually WORKING. Yesterday, I was behind a guy who had NO WORKING brake lights. But that's a story for another time.

-MetalRose

I'm still warm...

So I went wild at the gym tonight. Did about an hour of cardio, and about 30 of light weight lifting. (Hey I know my limitations and am in no way going to kill myself lifting! Slowly build up!)

Anyway, now that I've got a working iPod to hit the gym with I found that these songs really kick me in the ass and make me punch it hard. I was even running today, something I haven't done (besides from the cops) in about 10 years.

So for those of you interested, my top work out songs:

Elvenking- The Divided Heart
After Forever- Energize Me
Communic- My Bleeding Victim
Dark Tranquillity- Focus Shift
Finntroll- Korpen Saga
Dimmu Borgir- Sorgens Kammer Del Il
Deathstars- Blitzkrieg
Children of Bodom- Every Time I Die
Gojira- Global Warming
Lamb of God- Again We Rise
Mercenary- Firesoul
And
Cradle of Filth - Temptation

I just find that when those songs are playing I push it harder and up my intensity and find that I really get lost in those songs. So yeah, even though I own an iPod, buying an addional one, the shuffle for the gym only was the BEST decision I have ever made.

Any other suggestions for work out music?

-Metal

I woke up with the worst Charlie Horse (long)

Sunday morning, I awoke just before New Haven, CT on the train back from NYC. My right leg was cramped and it took me forever to get the Charlie horse out. I laid back down for a moment before the last stop. I had fallen asleep before the train had even left Grand Central.

Friday:

Work was uneventful but slow. After work, I picked up Joey Sky and we ran some errands, which for the life of me I can't remember what they were. I know we were supposed to go grocery shopping, but instead we decided to hit a movie. Actually, I decided to and took Joey Sky along with me. When we got home I got a text from my friend Dave who said he was dedicating his radio show to me that night. So I got the address and tuned in. He played a few Elvenking and Type O Negative for me. During the night, when he would speak, I would text in my thoughts and usually he would read them. It was quite nice and very comical.

Saturday:

Ugh, Saturday came way too early. I got up around 11 and I wanted to get Joey Sky to my aunts for lunch as his other cousins were coming. That didn't happen. I got him there right around 3 and I had to be at Maija's wedding at 3:30. Of course I was a little late for that.

I stuck around until they announced the wedding party and then took off. I really should have left around 4:30-5, but left around 5:15. I got to New Haven's Union Station around 6, but missed the train to NYC by just a few minutes... So I had to wait until almost 7.

When I got to NYC, I was lucky enough to get a cab right out of Grand Central, but he had no idea where in the hell he was going. So I just had him let me out at Times Square. Now, for as much as I've been to NYC, I've never been to Times Square. So I walked around for a little bit before I asked someone who told me the Nokia Theater was actually in the MTV Building. Ah.

So I walked back about 2 blocks and found it. Cool. Got my passes and got in just after Into Eternity was done, as it was about 8:45. I was a little pissed as I thought the doors were at 8, show at 9, but no. Show at 8. *Sigh* So I hung out with the guys for a while, and then ran into Christina, Anne Marie, Milton and a few other PPers. It was a blast.

I chatted with Tim for a while and we were talking about ProgPower. He was talking about the story when I was in the hall and he came over to me and said, "Hey are you MetalRose?" And I said yeah. He then laughed and said that at ProgPower I was more famous than he was. As if I didn't have a big enough ego, but it is funny when I turned to ask someone who he was and they told me!

After Symphony X got off stage, I went back to IE's dressing room to hang out. I walked in and Russ from SX was standing there chatting with Steve. My mouth dropped and I don't really recall how or why, but Russ asked me back to their green room to hang out. I think it had to do with being silly as to why I left IE's dressing room. (But then again after a couple of Long Island Ice Tea's, Jager and got knows what else my memory is a little hazy.)

After a few minutes of hanging out with SX, I wanted to say goodbye to IE (and wanted to grab a shirt for Joey Sky), I wasn't able to leave the dressing room. Even though I had a VIP pass, I had to have someone with a laminate to let me out. What? That made no sense to me. Since I didn't know the guys in SX well enough, I didn't want to ask to have them let me out.

I felt horrible for not getting to say goodbye to Into Eternity. By the time they kicked us all out of the green room, IE were gone. I felt like the worlds biggest asshole about it too. Here I came down to NYC to hang out with them, they fed me beer and gave me a pass and I ditched them. Well not really. I just couldn't leave the room I was in, literally. So when I get home, I'll be emailing them. I really did feel like a heel.

After we went outside, Christina and I ran into Mark from Epica. We chatted with him for a while. Since I had some booze in me, I became totally pompous. My dear Christina tried to get me to shut up... and I ignored her. I just sent her a text and told her next time to kick me in the ass or something. Anyway he was a cool guy and it was interesting to hear what he thought the difference in the US and other places are.

Then Ariën from Epica came out and started chatting with us. He said that he once had a fan freak out because he used to be in a Satanic band. I told him while that was evil, it wasn't as evil as me. So we discussed what would make him more evil. He asked if he brought me a goat head if that would be evil. I told him, no. He needs to find a NYC rat, set it on fire and then throw it in front of a subway train. That would be evil. He asked how to find a NYC rat and Christina told him that they were *this big*, holding her hands about a foot apart.

After Epica left, Christina and I walked back to her car and she dropped me off at Grand Central. It was a little after 2 am and the station was closed until 5:15. So I got back on the Subway and went back into Times Square. While in the Sub station, I had a couple of kids following me. They seemed harmless, but I got on the train in another spot and got out and ditched them.

About an hour before the station opened, I went back to Grand Central and sat inside the door and waited for a while. Usually there are tons of people walking around and waiting outside. For some reason, not that night.

Finally the doors opened and I was able to get on the train. I found a place in the back with enough room to lie down and fell asleep even before we were out of the station.

Sunday:

I awoke just before New Haven, CT. My right leg was cramped and it took me forever to get the Charlie horse out. I was happy we were only a couple of stops before my final stop to New Haven.

Since I had my coupons and grocery bags in the car, I decided before I picked up Joey Sky, I'd hit the grocery store. I had them put all the cold foods in one bag and then I was off.

When Joey Sky got in the car, I told him I had a gift for him and handed him a signed drumstick from Into Eternity. His favorite band and the ONLY band he loves and doesn't have a drum stick for.

Then we went home, unloaded groceries a little bit- well the cold foods and about 1 pm, I decided I couldn't stay awake anymore. I got up around 7, made sure Joey Sky got in the shower and had his lunch for Monday. Then went back to sleep at 8:30.

What the hell is wrong with me? I used to be able to do that for at least a week straight... *sigh* I must be getting old.

-MetalRose

Edit: So Christina sends me a text message back saying, "I didn't know you were drunk! I thought you were super funny. Mark looked like he didn't know what hit him. He had this look on his face like, PWND!"

What happens when the Indigo Child is no longer a child

I don’t know if my title is more of a statement or a question.

I sometimes forget that although I was meant for this world... It was not meant for me.

A few years back, my mom showed me an article on Indigo Children. With each word, the more it sounded like me.

I sometimes lose sight and I forget who I really am and why I am here.

It’s hard to not lose sight of myself while being beat on in every direction from people who just don’t understand, nor do they care to.

Sometimes, Indigo children are listed as being only autistic. While I believe that in many cases, they are, not all Indigo Children are. Some are just spacey, chaotic, restless, etc. We are all true free spirits and don’t respond well to many things.

For example, I am always late. Period. Always. I cannot be on time to save my life and when I am, something else goes "wrong". I’ve learned to find these things comical now. It’s not that I’m doing it to be rude, but it is who I am and I don’t care to change it to conform to anyone standards.

So while yesterday was a blog of self doubt, don’t be worried. For if we never question ourselves, then we never learn to grow and we never really discover who we truly are.

-Metal

Look in the Mirror

I read that line from a friends blog title and froze.

Save for brushing my teeth.. and a quick dab of mascara, I haven't looked in the mirror in ages. Why? I'm afraid of what I am going to see...

Someone once showed my picture to a 3rd party. This person loved my picture and thought I was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen... (alright, I'm exaggerating on that a little bit) When this persons friend saw the picture, he relayed the message to me that I looked "cold." More specifically, my eyes.

And that's what I'm afraid of. I feel hollow. I feel beaten down by what life has brought to me... and most of it is beyond my control because I have to look out for number 1- my child.
I'm not placing blame nor regretting the decisions I've made in life, but accepting that somethings I cannot change or will not change in order to provide a good life for him.

But the corporate world has brought me down. I have to change who I am, er, was, am, was... whatever in order to bring in the almighty dollar. Well, scratch that too, to bring in the weakened dollar. I hate that I have to give up my creatitivty, my clothing style and my hair color just so I can put food on the table.

I'm worn down and with in the process of to find myself... I realized that I accomplished the opposite. Which is odd, I always knew who I was and what I was willing to do and not do. My closet is full of concert tee-shirts that I started collecting in High School to just a few years ago. But does that make me who I am?

What makes me? Is it my job? Is it my car? My music? My family? My beliefs? A combination? At what point did I lose myself? At what point did I become so wrapped up in day to day living that I just gave up and accepted what I have been given? Or am I fighting behind my own back?
I just don't know anymore.

I was recently asked where I see myself in a year and in 5 years... I couldn't even give an reply because in all honesty, I can't even see tomorrow. Or yesterday for that matter.

When I did my year in review, I had to go back and look at some of my old blogs to see where I was last year at this time. My bills are all late because I can't honestly remember when I paid them last. Not because I'm blowing them off, but I get them in the mail, put them on the counter to pay over the "weekend" and before I realize... I'm 2-3 months past due.

Where the hell did those months go?

Since I've been hitting the gym, I feel energized because I can truly be lost when I'm there. I put on my iPod and hit the glider. Yesterday, I ran for an hour and a half. Bear in mind, I've never been a runner. Ever.

When I work out, I tune every thing out. It's almost a trance. I feel like I'm being swallowed by a black hole and no one there gives a rats fuck what I'm doing or where I am. I'm not the fat chick eating who's eating a much needed salad at lunch. I'm not the pissed off driver behind the wheel. I'm not the tech picking up the phone. I'm not the crazy lady at the concert. No one is touching me, no one is purposely leaving me alone...

I just am.

And it's nice to be lost in it... even when I'm so lost outside those walls. I just can't seem to focus or find myself or find any worth while direction. And I'm scared to change it because if I fail, it won't just affect me, it will affect the life whom depends on me... and I can't do that to him. Not again.

I've worked very hard to get what I wanted in life, and now that I have most of it, I realized it's not what I wanted at all. And I feel like a failure and a fool for trying so hard and not having a back up plan.

I also thought it would take me a lot longer to get here. I feel like an idiot for not having any long term goals planned. I don't even know what I don't want...

For the last few months, I feel like I'm going on auto pilot. I feel like life is kicking me in the ass and flying by way too fast.

I'll be 30 this year. I couldn't even imagine hitting 18 and that was 12 years ago. What the fuck have I done with my life and where did I get lost? And how in the hell can I find myself again? Will I like the person that I find? Or will I cry with despair because sometime long ago, I gave up who I really was... and now, where do I go from here?

My year in Review 2007 (long)

So I’m a little late on this, but oh well.

This has been a very odd year for me... So much has happened, and yet I feel as chaotic as ever.
A lot of things really sunk in. As much as I missed Minnesota and all my friends there at the one year mark, I realized there is no turning back. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I also learned that I have to move on and sometimes looking back should only be for the memories, not for the "what if’s".

I dated a lot over the course of the year as well. Mostly men with D names... although there was a C in there as well. In this last year I had two significant relationships. The one with C, well, was interesting and short. I’m glad it didn’t go farther than what it did, or I would have not been happy very long.

The other relationship with D, well, I can’t say anything bad about him, honestly. He was an amazing person who I really respected and care(d) for. While I still am left a little dumbfounded on why it all happened, I don’t have a mean thought or a bad word for him. He did what he felt was best and as much as it tugged at my heart strings, I have to respect it. Yes, I understand he could have been lying to me, but I don’t think so. For the first time ever, I think he was telling the truth... and if he wasn’t, well, I have to believe that he was for my own sake. (Even if all my friends asked out loud, "Does he have any idea what he is walking away from?" My honest reply, "I just don't know.")

This is also the year that I’ve been on my own as far as living arrangements. It’s been very interesting and sometimes it bogged me down. It’s great to have accomplished that, even if my 3rd floor neighbors are total asses and we’re now on the second management company.

Health wise- Very interesting year again... Everything from the color changing mole, to the NYC incident, to passing out at work, to the kidney stones/ reptured ovarian cyst. Looking at all those now, just wow. Seems like every few months I had something major that happened and all of them landed me in the ER.

The one thing I want to change for this year is to get out more. I realized that over the last year, I’d become a bit of a hermit. I let life get to me more than I should have. Mostly because I don’t have a lot of extra cash, not even for the movies... and if I go out, I have to pay a sitter which usually adds about $40 to whatever I’m doing. Which gets expensive. Although now, I’m trying to "take advantage" of my family as I was given a bit of an earfull about not ever calling them to watch Joey Sky. The other part is that I feel guilty. I don’t have a lot of cash to do things with him and I feel like a horrible mother for going out and spending a few bucks on just me. But with my raise coming up next week, I should have a *tad* bit more money for the both of us.

On the other hand, when I did get a chance to get out, I really relished it all. I spent time in NYC with Crystal, Rich, Ben and Christina over the summer. It’s amazing that when I let myself be a kid and be free, what can happen in my life and how much I really enjoy those moments with people.

There was also weddings and ProgPower. Which this year was my best ever. It was the weekend after my birthday (this year, the weekend before!) It was fairly drama free, but damn it goes by so fast...

So, not too much else, other than I still feel a little lost. I’ve done so much this last year and I don’t really know where I want to go... and that scares me a little bit. I don’t know where I want life to take me as for the most part, I had a really good year... Even if I did get hurt here and there.

I just need to find some direction... When I went out with J six months ago, we talked about that... and I thought for sure I’d know by now. I guess not. And that worries me. Although I love chaos and am not one for plans, I don’t know if I can just drift because then I have no footing at all.

I feel like I have so much on my shoulders right now, but I can't figure out what they are. I guess all I can do is move forward and onward and maybe start with the small things. But oh, which small thing to work on first? Work, health, relationships...

-MetalRose