If having to listen to you isn't bad enough.

For those of you who don't know, I work in an office building. Luckily, it's all for my company- which is also a curse.

Since I've been hitting the gym, I've also been trying to increase my water intake. So at work I'm drinking between 1 and 2 liters of water a day. Which of course means I have to pee even more than what I used to.

In the ladies bathroom we have these:

Notice how the toilet paper is a good few inches inside the holder.

The last 3 times I have made a bathroom break the woman in the stall next to me is sounding like a firing brigade who's dropping hand grenades at the same time. Normally, I laugh my ass off because it's funny.

But recently, I swear to god I don't know what these ladies are eating, but it's taken everything in my power to hold my breath so I can get the hell out of there before I need to call someone with an industrial biohazard suit!

Of course, with my luck, that's not what happens. It's not a quick in and out for me.... and I found the reason that ladies are in the bathrooms so long.

THE FUCKING TOILET PAPER IS STUCK! Yes. Now I understand that there needs to be that heat seal so the toilet paper while laying in stock isn't floating about... but seriously, Mrs Cleaning Woman, could you please at least START the rolls? I would really appreciate it so I don't spend 15 minutes trying to open it while trying to avoid severing my arm on the plastic razor sharp cutting ridges? (On a side note, why in the hell do you make those things so sharp? I think any given adult, hell any child, could rip toilet paper without needing assistance! They don't need to be so pointed I could cut a 2x4 with them.)

It's even more so important when I'm trying to beat the ass beast out of the restroom so I don't have to see who made those noises. For the love of god lady, I don't know who played a trick on you and switched your sphincter with a dead skunks but I don't find it funny to have to wallow in that scent.

I'd really like to be able to finish my buisness and then not have to face you. I would never be able to look at you the same. Ever. Please cleaning lady, for the love of all unholy scents, please start the toilet paper so I can get out fast.

And Ms. Shitter. Yes, your shit DOES stink. So bad I'm damn near gagging and if I could get the damn toilet paper off the roll, I'd turn around and gag... but I can't so I'm stuck here with your god awful smell... Hell I may even have a little of your back splash on me. After you're done washing your hands, you see that Air Scents spray? It's not there for show. USE THE DAMN THING!

PLEASE before someone finds my corpse. I would hate for my family to get the phone call that I died at work in the bathroom, pants around my ankles, toothpick sized shards of paper around my feet, tp lint under my finger nails and a dispenser full of stuck ripped rolls, only to assume I'd used the TP dispenser as a method to cut my wrists.

Then again, death might be better than having to fight to get the TP out and to have to spend another second wallowing in a smell that even Satan's Asshole couldn't produce.

-MetalRose