For Fathers Day

This morning, Joey Sky woke me up telling me to call Papa Pete (my biological dad) to wish him a Happy Fathers Day. Before I was even awake all the way, he had called my dad and then handed me the phone.

It's no secret that I didn't want to talk to him, but when I was handed the phone, the signal cut out and I lost the call. I didn't call back. My sister told me that was rude, that he probally thinks I hung up on him. I told her I didn't really care.

I won't get into all the gory details, but suffice to say, my dad and I aren't on the best terms. I decided I was better in life with out him. There's a saying that you date people who are similar to your parent(s), and if anyone knows my dating history (aside from the last guy), well then I think that speaks volumes.

For a very long time, I really had tried to maintain even a good terms relationship with my dad. That was until my half sister passed away.

Not too long ago, I found out that my dad didn't want any kids after my half sister and half brother. Regardless, here we are. I had always felt secondary (at best) in his life, and knowing that I wasn't wanted on his end has only magnified those feelings. It's hard to look at a man who treats me like he has no respect for me...

Which brings me to this blog. I just talked to my sister and told her about the phone cutting off. In which she went off into a huge tirade on how I haven't forgiven him and I shouldn't play the victim. After listening to her, not being able to be heard, she told me that when I was with my father, I was just like him. I hung up the phone. I am not my father nor will I ever be. And I know she said it to piss me off.

This is the second thing she has said to me that brings me *this close* to my boiling point with her. She is more like my father in that aspect because when she says thing that she KNOWS hurts me, she puts it on me as if I deserved it.

Right now I'm pissed. And since she won't listen to me, I'm going to address her issues here. I am NOT a victim to my father. Yes, I have forgiven him for what he has said and done to me in the past... what he said still fucking hurts and always will. I cannot forget those words. My sister pointed out that last time my father saw her he nagged her about her weight. While it hurts, it's superficial. The things my father has said to me go beyond weight and anything physical. While I won't list the lifetime of things he's done I'll list the main reason why I have decided to walk away from him.

When I was in the hospital giving birth- it was horrible. Not the birth of my son, but we were both sick. From the time I gave birth to about 6 weeks later, I was unable to eat. Nothing stayed down, not even water. My father sent me a fruit basket. When I finally had the strenght to call him MONTHS later, I was belittled and berated and told if I was that sick I should have called him. Maybe it's just me, but when I was fighting not only for my life, but for the life of my child, not able to eat or move with multiple surgeries in a few days, calling him was not on the list of things I was physically or mentally able to do. ESPECIALLY after he knew that my son was air lifted to a hosptial 2 hours away. A fruit basket? The lives of two people equate a fucking fruit basket?

But I forgave him for that. As much as it hurt me to, I let him back in my life.

When my half sister became ill from her breast cancer, my dad would drive from Flordia to Tennessee to spend days, weeks and months with her. When I was in the hospital dying, he didn't try and come see me. He didn't even call me, not once. He would make treks to see my half sister over the course of two years.

When my sister passed away from breast cancer, I flew down for the funeral. At the wake, my dad was sitting in the back room with the food crying. For a moment, I felt sorry for him. He looked so tired an old. I was about to reach over and hold him when he said, "Now you kids know if you ever need me, I'll be there."

And the knife twists a little further. I handed my dad an orange and went into the other room and cried.

For all of the times in my life when I needed him, he was NEVER there. Not even for the little things. There was a time I had no pads and he was too busy talking with his girlfriend that he refused to run to the store and get some. The Friday nights where he left my sister and I at the dance studio for 3-4 hours and so much more. I forgave all that...

But this... Even now, two years later, my heart breaks thinking about it.

I never expected my father (nor anyone) to be perfect. Not ever, but I thought that there would be respect. That statement proved to me that he DIDN'T care about us... well at least not me. Where was he when I was dying? When his grandchild was dying? Playing around on the internet to find some cheap ass fruit basket to send in leu of him being there. "Gee I'm sorry that you and your new baby are struggling for your lives. Enjoy the fruit!"

Yes it hurts. It hurts to know that the one person who is supposed to love you sees you in a second class- convienience only light, who views you as a burden not a bundle of joy who should recieve love.

Perhaps my sister is right, and I haven't forgiven him fully. Regardless, I've decided that he does NOT have to be a part of my life.

When I do talk to my dad, I don't answer personal questions, nor do I let him demean me. I do stand up for myself. But why would I keep someone in my life who constantly berates me? Who constantly criticizes me for everything I do and don't do? Someone who tells their child, after they accomplished a dream, that it wasn't good enough and not logical? The man who made my brother walk home in the middle of a Minnesota winter with no jacket, drove my sister home, then locked me in my room and lied to the police about it? The man who told me he was afraid of me...

Just because he got the pleasure (but none of the pain) in my creation, he should be in my life? No. This man is toxic to me and I do not have to have that in my life.

I don't owe him shit, because he's never given me shit. And I'm not talking monetary. I only give my unconditional love when it's returned in at least some small aspect.

This man was abusive. My sister never saw half of what I saw with him. He has treated her with at least some respect, to which I was never privy too.

I am too strong and too good of a person to allow to him to have any more power over me. Instead of "dealing with it and ignoring it" because he's my father. I've cut it off at the pass. As I said, I don't owe him shit, nor does he owe me shit. I don't have the time or energy to devote to a one sided relationship that in the end will only harm me.

When I was growing up, my dad would always say, "I'm not making you feel guilty, it's you that's doing it."

I think it works the same with regrets..

While there are two things in life I do regret (both dealing with death), I won't regret cutting him out of my life. We have no relationship and I don't have to sit around while he hurls insults because "that's just the way he is." I admit I can be narcassistic, but if I know I may hurt someone, I have the tact to think before I speak... and if I accidently hurt someone, know when to admit wrong doing.

If he died tomorrow, I don't think I'd attend his funeral. It's not something I'm proud of, it's fact. I don't want his money, I don't want his love, I just don't want him in my life.

The way he is made him lose a daughter that he never really wanted in the first place. I just don't see where it's a loss for either of us.

-Metal