I will not let you take my piece of mind.

I called out of work today. My nerves are completely and totally shot.

I brought the screen into my house. I didn't want to leave it lying there as a sign of how easily someone had once been able to get into my place. After taking inventory of my house and moving anything I thought could be used as a weapon against me, I went to bed... around 4.

I had an appointment with the repair man at about 8:30 this morning. He was going to help me install the police pins (bar locks) on the doors as well as install more locks on the windows.

Ten minutes after 8, I woke up and woke Joey Sky up. My alarms had gone off, but I kept hitting snooze.

With the lack of sleep I've gotten and the emotional turmoil over the last week it was hard to get out of bed. And I was pissed because now I had to get in my car and drive my son to school. Which isn't a big deal really... but when you've got nothing left in you even the small act is hard.

After I got back, the repair man stopped by and we went over what I needed to secure my apartment. He had some things to do, so he said he'd be back in a few hours and we'd install the locks.

He dropped by the land lord's cell phone number as well. When I called the landlord he happened to be in the area and said he may stop in. While I waited I decided to install the fire extinguishers in the hallways. During my time at the top of my stairs I heard a car door slam and someone walk into the house. Usually it takes a lot to scare me, but not this week. I jumped and saw the land lord. We talked about a few things around the house, and he wants to fit it up and make it look nice. I talked about painting the walls and retiling the floor minor things that make a big difference. I gave him the receipt for the extinguishers and he told me he'd either mail me a check or to knock it off the following months rent. I chose the latter.

When he left I sat on my couch for a minute and looked at the screen I brought in. I noticed a set of finger prints on them. It looked like they had been pushed in with knuckles! I was happy that I found evidence and made a note to call the police later or drop it by so they could see it.

As promised, the repair man showed up and helped me install the locks. He's an older gentleman, bit of a kidder, but has always been very nice to me. After getting the doors prepped, I found out I bought the wrong size locks, so I'd have to return them and get bigger locks.

He thought my little power drill was funny and was laughing as I used it. I told him that I don't need a big drill to prove I've got a little penis. Thankfully he laughed right along.

After installing the locks I decided to take a walk around my place again. I was pissed the officer didn't think I was broken into. And I felt like we missed something. It is almost like being raped and then being told, "You asked for it!" The repair man agreed that I always keep my doors locked. Hell when he comes over, he always hears me click the locks. It's a force of habit.

While walking around the front entry way, I saw a few finger prints in the window! YES! Proof that someone had been there! The night I called it was dark and I didn't get a chance to look around as much. Plus my frame of mind was shattered. I went and looked at the window where they had broken in and there were more finger prints! I went inside and called the police again and asked to have the officer come out. Dispatch told me he was on another call and would be over when he could.

An hour later, I got a knock at my door. I showed the officer the steps I had taken to protect my house better and then showed him the finger prints on the windows. I also showed him where they tried to get in as he didn't want to see before. I then showed him the first set of prints, which were too smeared to lift. Then the second set of prints. He could see that the person had opened the window by sliding it and it was on the inner storm window.

He asked if I had touched it since he left and I told him I had not. He then looked and saw the hand prints were smaller than his or mine. BINGO! Now he cannot tell me I accidently left the house unlocked and unsecured. He said it looked like a juvenile's prints. That was all I needed was some validation that I wasn't crazy and I told him that he made me feel like that yesterday.

I suppose the kids didn't take my jewerly because the pieces I have aren't very common in this area or at all actually.

But I still find it odd that they rummaged through my drawers and boxes and only took a few dollars.... but left all the other money out in plain sight.

Which brings me to my next rant. My son lost another tooth again today and I'm beyond pissed that I don't have a single penny to give to him. I looked in my car, in my purse, in my room and I have NOTHING. Some asshat thought it would be funny to come in and take the few dollars I have and left me with not a penny to give to my child as a long standing multi-cultural tradtion.

I feel like a horrible mother now and feel like a douche bag because I had to get online and find a "tooth fairy check" as an IOU. If I had know he lost a tooth, I would have gone to the store and something... but it was too late.

I also feel bad for skipping the gym tonight. But my body just won't let me. Sure I know it'd be good for me and I could use it... but I've got so much else on my mind tonight that I wouldn't be able to put in a good work out.

I'll have to hit it tomorrow night and then study for a while.

I talked to my friend Colleen last night. She's been through both a fire and a robbery. She gave a lot of great advise and I thank the lords every day she's in my life. I just adore her. I talked to her again tonight too, she said, "Metal, you sound exhausted." Which I am. My whole body aches, my eyes are heavy, my brain is gone, I'm on a hair trigger for my nerves. But I wanted to let her know that I'm going to be OK.

I REFUSE to be a victim. Yes, shitty things happen to good people and good things happen to shitty people. With this it's almost a personal attack I don't work 8 hours a day so I can buy stuff for a complete and total stranger who's been dealt a shit hand and feels entitled to it.

With that, I'm going to try and get some sleep. It's almost 12:30 am here and I'm going to try and go to work tomorrow. I've talked to the neighbors and they all know I was broken into and the police are involved. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but if anyone of them in the area had anything to do with it... well they are fucking with the wrong person.

The neighbors on the second floor told me they are going to pay a little more attention, which I appreciate and hope it does good. I've got a few other security measures that I'm going to try as well and hope it helps but I'm not going to disclose them here.

I will just say, the last person that walked up and scared me got a nice hard right hook to the jaw. This time, my nerves are totally shot and I've got a nice heavy metal bat. When it comes to the fight or flight reaction, I fight.

Try it again, fucker, I promise the only brain you'll have left will be what's dripping off my baseball bat.

-MetalRose

As if the fire wasn't enough drama

This morning, I dreaded going to work. I just had that sinking feeling all day long and an urge to be at home. I couldn't concentrate and I was jumpy all day long.

Quitting time couldn't come soon enough. When I got home, I noticed something very odd.
The outside door was wide open. Now I NEVER use that door, EVER. I thought perhaps the kids on the 3rd floor were running around and had used it. I never use that door because it goes under the porch and is kind of hidden.

I put my key in the lock and it turns right away. Again I thought that was odd because I usually turn the lock the wrong way. So I walk in the house and put my purse on the kitchen table, which is right next to the back door.

I then notice that door is locked but open. Like someone had walked out and closed the door behind them, but didn't pull enough to actually close it.

I am almost OCD about checking my house doors before I leave. Joey Sky uses the porch door to go to the bus stop in the morning, but I am the last one in and I always close and lock it. I actually check 4 times before I leave.

My morning routine before I leave is: Brush teeth, check back door. Comb hair, check back door, Grab lunch, check kitchen door, check back door, leave out the living room door. Check living room door, check bedroom door then up the stairs. I don't just jiggle the handles to make sure they are ok, I pull/push to make sure the door is shut. I know for a fact I checked it this morning.

So I'm un nerved... I decide to have a smoke and I walk around the house to see if I can see foot prints by the outside door. As I walk closer I see that the screen from the window is out. And then I notice the window is wide open.

Fuck. Someone has broken into my apartment. And with where that window sits, NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON would EVER see them. But wouldn't someone notice them coming from my back door? Or even walking around the house?

I tell Joey Sky to not touch anything and I call the police. I take note of the house and notice my closet light is on. I look in and they had slashed through a plastic bag with clothes and opened up a box with some Halloween stuff in it.

Then I go in my room and notice that all the drawers in my room had been gone through.
The thing that perplexes me is that the ONLY thing taken was a jar with about $5 in bills and coins. Even though they saw the jewerly, they didn't take it. I even opened the boxes and looked.
My iPods, my digital camera, my guitar and amp, my computer, my CD's and DVD's were all sitting there. The game systems weren't touched. The bills on Joey Sky's dresser were still sitting there.

When the police officer came, he acted like he didn't believe me since no one saw anything. I tried to explain to him that I always leave everything locked. Hell I don't even keep my windows open at night.

He said there were no forced signs of entry and he was confused that even if someone did break in, why didn't they take anything?

I told him I thought someone was casing the place. He said that could be but even if they were, they would have taken the things easy to pocket... Like the iPod and camera. It pissed me off that he thought I was lying. I even showed him the 3 other places where they tried to break in.
I'm scared shitless. I called my super and told him I wasn't coming in tomorrow. The repair man called and said he was going to be in the area tomorrow and would stop by and help me with installing new dead bolts and some other things.

My nerves are shot. Beyond shot. I moved my knife block into my bedroom and if something happens we've got plenty of escape routes.

As if my nerves weren't fucked up enough, I come home to feeling like I've been violated.
I've got to find a better job and get the fuck out of this place, like, yesterday.

-Metal

Eerie night

Last night was very eerie.

After all the smoke had settled, and the fire trucks gone, people were driving by all night long.

I live in a bit of a "rough" neighborhood and there are always voices and people out during the night. Normally it doesn't bother me and actually find it some what comforting because I'm so far away from any notiable city. (Sure I'm only 15 minutes from Hartford, but it's a ghost town after 5-6pm)

Last night, just after dark, I went to my back porch and sat. It was odd to not hear ANYTHING. No voices of people walking around, nothing.

It also seemed really really odd to not see the fire fighters out there battling. Even though the whole thing was surreal, it almost seemed normal. The other thing I found odd, while watching my videos, not one single person was crying, screaming or panicing. I wonder if it was because we all knew the houses were empty. Or we all kind of expected those houses to go up? But not one person yelling.

I finally went to bed at 10 ish. Before I fell asleep, I made sure to tell Joey Sky how proud of him I was that he didn't panic or anything. He did an amazing job getting out and leaving.

I woke up at 3 this afternoon. To be honest, I could have slept the whole night.

When I got up, I told Joey Sky we were heading to the store to get fire extinguishers. They were always on my list to go and get, but I just kept putting it off.

I bought 6 of them. Three medium ones and 3 large ones. I bought one for each apartment, one for each hall and one for the basement. I also noticed refective tape there and bought some for the stairs. It's not only for us to get out, but in case of a fire, for the fire department to use as well. I had a firefighter come and ask to use my bathroom and she made a comment that my stairwell was dark.

We're still getting cars up and down the street and I can still smell the smoke when I'm outside.

Normally I'm not a cuddler, but last night I really wished I had a person to hold me for the night and tell me it was going to be ok. Today, I keep going through the escape route in my mind and wonder if there was anything I could have done better.

It never dawned on me to grab anything other than my keys and the children in my house. I grabbed my keys because I locked my doors. I don't know why. While thinking about it today, just because we were out and safe doesn't mean that no one would break in. Some people prey on others misfortune. I think I grabbed my keys because that way I could have used my car to get out.

I left my wallet and everything else behind. I didn't even grab a jacket. The only reason I had my camera was because it was right next to my keys. I know, being in insurance, having pictures of a loss is helpful in investigations. I also thought it would make some really cool pictures.

I had a few people look at the images and tell me I should have gone into journalism/ photo journalism. I would love to, if I only knew how.

Anyway, just an update to let you know we are still ok. Still a bit shaken, but nothing major.

Thanks for the calls and texts. I'm still unwinding so not taking many calls today.

-Metal