What happens when the Indigo Child is no longer a child

I don’t know if my title is more of a statement or a question.

I sometimes forget that although I was meant for this world... It was not meant for me.

A few years back, my mom showed me an article on Indigo Children. With each word, the more it sounded like me.

I sometimes lose sight and I forget who I really am and why I am here.

It’s hard to not lose sight of myself while being beat on in every direction from people who just don’t understand, nor do they care to.

Sometimes, Indigo children are listed as being only autistic. While I believe that in many cases, they are, not all Indigo Children are. Some are just spacey, chaotic, restless, etc. We are all true free spirits and don’t respond well to many things.

For example, I am always late. Period. Always. I cannot be on time to save my life and when I am, something else goes "wrong". I’ve learned to find these things comical now. It’s not that I’m doing it to be rude, but it is who I am and I don’t care to change it to conform to anyone standards.

So while yesterday was a blog of self doubt, don’t be worried. For if we never question ourselves, then we never learn to grow and we never really discover who we truly are.

-Metal

Look in the Mirror

I read that line from a friends blog title and froze.

Save for brushing my teeth.. and a quick dab of mascara, I haven't looked in the mirror in ages. Why? I'm afraid of what I am going to see...

Someone once showed my picture to a 3rd party. This person loved my picture and thought I was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen... (alright, I'm exaggerating on that a little bit) When this persons friend saw the picture, he relayed the message to me that I looked "cold." More specifically, my eyes.

And that's what I'm afraid of. I feel hollow. I feel beaten down by what life has brought to me... and most of it is beyond my control because I have to look out for number 1- my child.
I'm not placing blame nor regretting the decisions I've made in life, but accepting that somethings I cannot change or will not change in order to provide a good life for him.

But the corporate world has brought me down. I have to change who I am, er, was, am, was... whatever in order to bring in the almighty dollar. Well, scratch that too, to bring in the weakened dollar. I hate that I have to give up my creatitivty, my clothing style and my hair color just so I can put food on the table.

I'm worn down and with in the process of to find myself... I realized that I accomplished the opposite. Which is odd, I always knew who I was and what I was willing to do and not do. My closet is full of concert tee-shirts that I started collecting in High School to just a few years ago. But does that make me who I am?

What makes me? Is it my job? Is it my car? My music? My family? My beliefs? A combination? At what point did I lose myself? At what point did I become so wrapped up in day to day living that I just gave up and accepted what I have been given? Or am I fighting behind my own back?
I just don't know anymore.

I was recently asked where I see myself in a year and in 5 years... I couldn't even give an reply because in all honesty, I can't even see tomorrow. Or yesterday for that matter.

When I did my year in review, I had to go back and look at some of my old blogs to see where I was last year at this time. My bills are all late because I can't honestly remember when I paid them last. Not because I'm blowing them off, but I get them in the mail, put them on the counter to pay over the "weekend" and before I realize... I'm 2-3 months past due.

Where the hell did those months go?

Since I've been hitting the gym, I feel energized because I can truly be lost when I'm there. I put on my iPod and hit the glider. Yesterday, I ran for an hour and a half. Bear in mind, I've never been a runner. Ever.

When I work out, I tune every thing out. It's almost a trance. I feel like I'm being swallowed by a black hole and no one there gives a rats fuck what I'm doing or where I am. I'm not the fat chick eating who's eating a much needed salad at lunch. I'm not the pissed off driver behind the wheel. I'm not the tech picking up the phone. I'm not the crazy lady at the concert. No one is touching me, no one is purposely leaving me alone...

I just am.

And it's nice to be lost in it... even when I'm so lost outside those walls. I just can't seem to focus or find myself or find any worth while direction. And I'm scared to change it because if I fail, it won't just affect me, it will affect the life whom depends on me... and I can't do that to him. Not again.

I've worked very hard to get what I wanted in life, and now that I have most of it, I realized it's not what I wanted at all. And I feel like a failure and a fool for trying so hard and not having a back up plan.

I also thought it would take me a lot longer to get here. I feel like an idiot for not having any long term goals planned. I don't even know what I don't want...

For the last few months, I feel like I'm going on auto pilot. I feel like life is kicking me in the ass and flying by way too fast.

I'll be 30 this year. I couldn't even imagine hitting 18 and that was 12 years ago. What the fuck have I done with my life and where did I get lost? And how in the hell can I find myself again? Will I like the person that I find? Or will I cry with despair because sometime long ago, I gave up who I really was... and now, where do I go from here?

My year in Review 2007 (long)

So I’m a little late on this, but oh well.

This has been a very odd year for me... So much has happened, and yet I feel as chaotic as ever.
A lot of things really sunk in. As much as I missed Minnesota and all my friends there at the one year mark, I realized there is no turning back. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I also learned that I have to move on and sometimes looking back should only be for the memories, not for the "what if’s".

I dated a lot over the course of the year as well. Mostly men with D names... although there was a C in there as well. In this last year I had two significant relationships. The one with C, well, was interesting and short. I’m glad it didn’t go farther than what it did, or I would have not been happy very long.

The other relationship with D, well, I can’t say anything bad about him, honestly. He was an amazing person who I really respected and care(d) for. While I still am left a little dumbfounded on why it all happened, I don’t have a mean thought or a bad word for him. He did what he felt was best and as much as it tugged at my heart strings, I have to respect it. Yes, I understand he could have been lying to me, but I don’t think so. For the first time ever, I think he was telling the truth... and if he wasn’t, well, I have to believe that he was for my own sake. (Even if all my friends asked out loud, "Does he have any idea what he is walking away from?" My honest reply, "I just don't know.")

This is also the year that I’ve been on my own as far as living arrangements. It’s been very interesting and sometimes it bogged me down. It’s great to have accomplished that, even if my 3rd floor neighbors are total asses and we’re now on the second management company.

Health wise- Very interesting year again... Everything from the color changing mole, to the NYC incident, to passing out at work, to the kidney stones/ reptured ovarian cyst. Looking at all those now, just wow. Seems like every few months I had something major that happened and all of them landed me in the ER.

The one thing I want to change for this year is to get out more. I realized that over the last year, I’d become a bit of a hermit. I let life get to me more than I should have. Mostly because I don’t have a lot of extra cash, not even for the movies... and if I go out, I have to pay a sitter which usually adds about $40 to whatever I’m doing. Which gets expensive. Although now, I’m trying to "take advantage" of my family as I was given a bit of an earfull about not ever calling them to watch Joey Sky. The other part is that I feel guilty. I don’t have a lot of cash to do things with him and I feel like a horrible mother for going out and spending a few bucks on just me. But with my raise coming up next week, I should have a *tad* bit more money for the both of us.

On the other hand, when I did get a chance to get out, I really relished it all. I spent time in NYC with Crystal, Rich, Ben and Christina over the summer. It’s amazing that when I let myself be a kid and be free, what can happen in my life and how much I really enjoy those moments with people.

There was also weddings and ProgPower. Which this year was my best ever. It was the weekend after my birthday (this year, the weekend before!) It was fairly drama free, but damn it goes by so fast...

So, not too much else, other than I still feel a little lost. I’ve done so much this last year and I don’t really know where I want to go... and that scares me a little bit. I don’t know where I want life to take me as for the most part, I had a really good year... Even if I did get hurt here and there.

I just need to find some direction... When I went out with J six months ago, we talked about that... and I thought for sure I’d know by now. I guess not. And that worries me. Although I love chaos and am not one for plans, I don’t know if I can just drift because then I have no footing at all.

I feel like I have so much on my shoulders right now, but I can't figure out what they are. I guess all I can do is move forward and onward and maybe start with the small things. But oh, which small thing to work on first? Work, health, relationships...

-MetalRose