And another one walks away.

So D and I had been seeing each other for about 5-6 months. I really really really liked this guy. More so than anyone else in a long time. I wasn’t neurotic about where he was when I didn’t talk to him. When we did talk, we’d spend hours on the phone. We always had a great time in person.

Last night I get a phone call from D. I was doing laundry in the basement and missed it. So I got a text message, "We need to talk." Fuck. That’s never a good sign. There was a part of me hoping that it was something other than we shouldn’t date anymore.

Of course, with how my luck is lately, it wasn’t. It caught me off guard as we both really liked each other and were more or less on the same page. Sure we had a few issues with getting together, but it wasn’t for my lack of trying.

It just sucks to know that yet another person who I liked had decided that I’m not worth fighting for. It’s hard knowing that we had such a great connection and he’s walking away from it.

I understand he’s got baggage, we all do, but he didn’t give me a choice to walk with him through it... Perhaps my problem is that I’m too strong. Perhaps I push men away because they can’t be my night in shining armor. Maybe it’s not that they aren’t fighting for me, but that I’m not fighting for them either.

It’s not that I don’t want to fight sometimes, it’s just that I don’t want to seem desparate or needy. Because I’m not, and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m too strong.

It’s not hard to see why I’ve lost hope. Every time I try and open myself up,

I’m just suprised because a week ago, I was getting text messages like, "Thinking of you" etc. and we had talked about plans of heading to NYC, France, Europe... Granted foriegn travel were more of a wouldn’t it be fun? thing... but we had things we talked about.

He never came and asked me what I wanted, only assumed. And the thing that sucks is now I don’t have a person that I can turn to and bounce things off. He opened my eyes in so many ways and I never felt like I had to change to be with him.

I’m just floored, hurt, upset. There was a part of me that saw this comming, because I didn’t hear from him much this week. I just wanted to be given the choice to stand by him.

The main issue was time. Granted we live a ways apart, but in the scope of things, time shouldn’t be an issue. Especially when I tried to get together more, but didn’t want to push because of where he "is". It’s hard to think that because of time that something that could have had the potential to be totally amazing has to end.

I wasn’t in love with him, but had he given me the time, I could have really fallen for him. It’s hard to be almost 30 years old, and still be single. And not only single, but to have it in the back of your head that not one single person you’ve dated has found you good enough to even ask you to spend the rest of your life with them.

It really really really fucking hurts when every single man in your life, including your father has just walked away with out a fight. How can something like that not affect you as a person? Let me tell you it does. And with each new person that gives up, it only gets worse and hurts more than the previous one.

You can only be told "It’s not you, it’s me" so many times before you start thinking that it really is you. There are people around me that are so much more fucked up than I am that are in relationships, they are less attractive, less intelligent... It’s so hard to know that I really am a great person, but no one else see’s that... at least not enough to fight for. I sometimes wonder how other people manage to get and stay in relationships and how I’m constantly left alone.

Fuck. And people wonder why I’ve lost hope... because it’s so fucking hard to hold on to. For the 14 or so years I’ve been dating, not one single person has found me worth holding on to. Not one.

Tell me, wouldn’t that fuck you up too?

Yesterday on my way home from work, my gas light came on signaling that I was running low. I knew I'd be alright to make it home, but I knew I'd should get some on the morning.

This morning I got up late and didn't have a chance to get gas. I was a little worried because gas by work is about $0.25-$0.30 higher per gallon. If I could get past the borders of Hartford on the way home, I'd be fine. Still not cheap, but enough to get my last $5.00 a bit of mileage until pay day tomorrow.

Of course, traffic heading back toward Boston was horrid, worse than usual. Luckily, I had made it just outside of Hartford, before my car started to chug and didn't really want to move. I was able to pull onto the exit ramp where it died at the top, with a gas station about 2 blocks away. Crap. I managed to get it started and was able to pull just around the corner. I tried to get it to go so I could make it to the gas station. No luck.
So I got out of the car and called AAA. As I was on the phone with AAA, a police officer pulled up behind me. He was able to tell me exactally where I was, even though I knew- I wasn't able to convey it. He then offered to let me sit in his car to stay warm.

While in his car we made small talk, turns out he used to live right down the street from my aunt.

The tow truck arrived about 20 minutes later with two gallons of gas. When the truck arrived, I stood between my car and the police car. The officer had his spot light on so the tow truck could see what he was doing.

I made the comment that people out here really like to rubberneck to see what's going on. The officer agreed, so I said, "You know, if they are going to stare anyway, perhaps I should do a little dance." The officer looked at me and said, "Go for it." So I did. I did a little jig between my car and the police car. To top it all off, the police officer turned on his cherry's and was using the spot light to shine it on me. So here it is, middle of rush hour traffic, and I'm standing between a police car and my car. My bright red hair shining and my leather biker jacket zipped up over my nice pin stripped work pants, and the officer using his car as disco lights!

The cars that were going by were honking and flashing their brights. Looking back, I'm sure they all thought I was being arrested for being under the influence of something. But no, not even caffiene in my system. I was just giving them something interesting to look at besides watching someone's car being filled up with gas. Which, isn't interesting by itself.

And that, my friends, is why I have no desire or need to watch TV. What happens in my life is far more entertaining... and true reality.

-MetalRose

Gone

I deleted this post as it's not meant for public eyes. Carry on my WayWard son.

-Metal